Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Impeccable Timing on Tariffs and Stocks Is Definitely Just a Coincidence, Say Extremely Chill Journalists

April 2, 2025 – Washington, D.C. / Free Market Theater

In what is surely one of the most statistically improbable—but absolutely innocent—sequences of events in modern political history, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene made two stunningly well-timed financial moves just hours before major White House trade policy announcements.

And yet, the press seems content to call it what it most certainly is: “coincidence.” A beautiful, God-fearing, flag-waving, financial coincidence.

First Stroke of Luck: T-Bills & Tariff Whispers

Last Tuesday, Greene made a seven-figure purchase of short-term Treasury bills, mere hours before President Trump announced sweeping reciprocal tariffs on a range of imports.

The tariffs sent markets into a nosedive and drove investors to the safest haven available: Treasury bills. And who was sitting pretty in her camo-print congressional office chair, sipping sweet tea over a yield curve?

“I just really like government debt,” Greene told reporters. 

Second Stroke of Genius: Buy High, Sell Confusingly Higher?

Just as Wall Street began to hemorrhage over Trump’s new tariff policy, Greene made another bold move: purchasing stock in several U.S. companies heavily exposed to global trade, including Caterpillar, Deere, and something called “SoybeanTech.”

Within 48 hours, President Trump—citing “economic turbulence”—announced a 90-day pause on the tariffs. Stocks rebounded. Greene’s portfolio bloomed like a MAGA-branded tulip in spring.

“I didn’t know he was gonna pause the tariffs,” she said. “But I did see it in a dream where a bald eagle winked at me.”

The Press Responds: “It’s Fine. She’s Quirky.”

Despite the suspicious timing, major outlets declined to pursue the story with any urgency. One cable news panel concluded that “it’s hard to prove intent,” while another ran a glowing segment on Greene’s new line of “Constitutional Candles.”

“We’ve checked, and she didn’t even try to hide the trades,” said a Beltway journalist with three sources at Goldman Sachs and zero sources of shame. “Frankly, that makes it less suspicious.”

Headlines that Actually Ran:

• “MTG Makes Moves: Financial Literacy in the Age of Outrage?” — Politicoish

• “Stocks, Sovereignty, and Southern Sass: A Greene Economy?” — The Wall Street Jargon

• “Marjorie’s Magical Market Mojo” — BuzzFed Realignment Desk

Only one independent journalist pressed the issue, to which Greene responded:

“This is a witch hunt. Next you’ll say I caused the solar eclipse because I bought sunglasses in bulk. Which I did. But again: coincidence.”

---

Ethics Committee Response: shrugs in bipartisanship

When asked whether Greene’s trades would be subject to review, a House Ethics Committee member said:

“Technically, insider trading laws don’t apply to Congress. Which is crazy. But also convenient.”

---

Final Thought: Don't Hate the Player. Or Even Ask Questions About the Player.

Whether Greene’s financial wizardry was coincidence, divine guidance, or a particularly aggressive newsletter subscription, one thing is clear: the mainstream press is far too busy reporting on Taylor Swift’s third cousin’s voting record to ask whether elected officials are casually gaming international markets.

So yes, her T-bill timing was perfect. Yes, her stock picks defied economic gravity. And no, apparently, we’re not allowed to be weird about it.

America: where justice is blind and journalism is mildly nearsighted.