Musk Furious After Spending $25 Million To Elect Brad Schimel, Demands Investigation Into Why Soros’s Alleged Billions Were More Effective

“Wisconsin voters clearly didn’t understand the assignment,” says man who tried to purchase a judiciary.

AUSTIN, TX — Expressing confusion and outrage after liberal judge Rebecca Dallet Crawford decisively won the Wisconsin Supreme Court race, tech mogul Elon Musk released a furious 37-part statement Wednesday demanding an investigation into how his $25 million investment in conservative candidate Brad Schimel had failed to override democracy.

“I spent a small fortune trying to save Wisconsin from judicial wokeness, and they just went ahead and voted for it anyway,” Musk said, pausing to retweet a meme of George Soros Photoshopped onto the Statue of Liberty holding a scythe. “Crawford didn’t win—she was installed by the Soros Global Legal Domination Fund, which has assets in the trillions, probably. We’ll see the receipts. Or we won’t, because they’re hidden in the cloud. Very suspicious.”

According to Musk, the only possible explanation for Crawford’s win is that Soros funneled “an estimated $4 billion” through shadowy nonprofit networks, underground cheese cooperatives, and possibly the University of Wisconsin marching band to brainwash voters into electing a qualified, popular candidate.

“Think about it,” Musk continued, gesturing to a dry-erase board filled with arrows connecting ‘SOROS,’ ‘TOFU,’ and ‘DEEP JUDGE.’ “If Crawford isn’t actually Soros in a wig, then why won’t she deny it? And why does her last name sound like a Whole Foods brand?”

Wisconsin Voters Say They Simply Preferred the Candidate Who Wasn’t Screaming Through a Billionaire’s Megaphone

Exit polls revealed that voters were largely unmoved by the Musk-backed ad blitz warning that “Brad Schimel is the only thing standing between your family and mandatory pronoun courts.”

“I got 19 mailers with Crawford’s face melting into the devil,” said Milwaukee resident Dana Westman. “Then I googled her and found out she’s…a normal judge? Meanwhile, the other guy looked like he was going to sue me for reading a library book.”

Schimel Concedes, Apologizes for Letting Elon Run Ads Without His Knowledge

“Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say the robot dog in the courtroom ad was maybe a misstep,” said Schimel, who quietly conceded the race late Tuesday. “I should’ve just talked about the Constitution and not, you know, claimed that Crawford wanted to cancel Mount Rushmore.”

At press time, Schimel was reportedly being consoled by a Musk hologram promising, “Next time, we’ll run JudgeGPT.”

Crawford Celebrates Victory, Politely Asks Not to Be Dragged Into a Billionaire’s Weird Spiral

In a brief statement, Crawford thanked Wisconsin voters, her campaign staff, and “whoever has to monitor Elon’s internet usage during elections.”

“I’m just going to focus on upholding the law,” she said. “Though I’d like to clarify, once again, that I am not George Soros wearing a power blazer and glasses. But thanks for the compliment.”

Musk Pledges To Try Again, This Time With Even More Money and a Vaguely Menacing App

Undeterred by the crushing defeat, Musk announced plans to launch X-Judiciary, an AI-powered platform that will “completely replace biased courts with a rotating panel of libertarian influencers and crypto judges.”

Sources confirmed he also plans to sue the state of Wisconsin for breach of vibes.