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Trump Declares Tariffs Are “The Biggest Tax Cut in History”—for People Who Love Paying More for Everything

March 28, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL / Fantasyland Economics Desk

In a bold economic declaration that left economists screaming into throw pillows and middle-class shoppers weeping in Walmart parking lots, President Donald J. Trump announced that his sweeping new tariff policies are “the biggest, most beautiful tax cut in American history.”

Yes, you read that correctly.

Tariffs.
The thing where you pay more for stuff.
Are now being rebranded as a tax cut.

“It’s very simple, folks,” Trump said at a rally hosted in a converted Circuit City. “We put big tariffs on China, Europe, and Canada—especially Canada, they know what they did—and that means we WIN. And when we win, prices go up, which means your wallet goes down, which is technically lighter, and that, my friends, is a tax cut.”

The crowd erupted in applause. Many were still unclear what a tariff actually is, but they liked the part where America wins.

How It Works, According to Trumponomics™:

  1. Tariff goes up

  2. Imported product gets more expensive

  3. American pays more at the register

  4. Somehow this = savings

  5. ????

  6. Profit (for someone else)

“Prices going up is a sign of strength,” Trump explained. “If you’re paying $4,000 for a washing machine now, you’re a patriot. If it were still $600, that’s weak. That’s Obama pricing.”

He then held up a $22 banana and winked: “That’s a tax cut right there, baby.”

Fox News Graphic: “Tariffs = Freedom Bucks”

Shortly after the announcement, Fox News aired a helpful visual breakdown explaining how tariffs are basically “reverse-tax-a-fications,” where paying more is proof of loyalty.

“Every time you pay an extra 40% for garden tools or anime-themed electronics,” said anchor TuckerBot 3000, “you’re basically giving a middle finger to communism. That’s the new American dream.”

Economists Respond by Setting Themselves on Fire

Across the nation, economists attempted to explain that tariffs are literally a tax on consumers, imposed when countries charge fees on imported goods—raising costs for businesses and shoppers alike.

“This is like calling a punch to the face a facial massage,” sighed Dr. Linda Gomez, an economics professor at MIT. “Tariffs are not tax cuts. They are tax additions. If anything, Trump just gave everyone a very patriotic wedgie.”

When asked to explain the discrepancy, Trump’s economic advisor Larry Kudlow responded with a 14-minute PowerPoint titled “Up Is Down: A Masterclass.”

Everyday Americans React

In interviews across the country:

  • A small business owner in Ohio said: “I can’t afford to stock anything anymore. But I love America, so I’m calling this a freedom loss instead of a business loss.”

  • A farmer in Iowa added: “China stopped buying my soybeans, but I’m told that’s good because now I’ll grow internal strength. I assume I can eat that?”

  • Meanwhile, a man in Texas paid $18 for a toothbrush and said, “Well, at least Biden didn’t give it to me for free. That would be socialism.”

Trump Proposes “Tariff Refund Cards”—Which Expire Instantly

To ease concerns, Trump unveiled a new proposal: Tariff Refund Cards™, which he claims will rebate American shoppers for their higher prices… eventually… theoretically.

Each card will:

  • Be redeemable only at Trump-branded stores (currently just a vending machine in Tulsa)

  • Come with a $5 rebate for every $1,000 you overspend

  • Expire 30 seconds after activation

  • Require a 500-word essay on how tariffs make you feel emotionally prosperous

“It’s basically like getting paid to suffer,” Trump said. “Which, if you think about it, is what working Americans have been doing for years. I just made it official.”

Final Thoughts: This Hurts So Good

In summary, while tariffs raise costs on nearly everything you buy—cars, clothes, electronics, cheese—Trump insists that if you squint hard enough and ignore math, they’re the financial equivalent of a hug from a bald eagle wrapped in the Constitution.

“We’re taxing the enemy and cutting taxes for YOU,” Trump shouted.
“Even if it doesn’t feel like it. That’s what makes it great.”

America: where paying more is saving, up is down, and economics is just another flavor of performance art.

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