March 29, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL / Made in Somewhere, USA
In a truly groundbreaking economic address delivered from the golf cart path behind the Mar-a-Lago snack bar, President Donald J. Trump explained that rising prices caused by his steep tariffs on foreign goods will “absolutely come down”—just as soon as the U.S. rebuilds its manufacturing base using “hardworking Americans who don’t mind working for peanuts, maybe even trail mix.”
“Look, tariffs are a very smart tax cut, okay?” Trump began, while pointing to a graph titled ‘Prices vs Patriotism’.
“Yes, prices go up at first—because China’s mad. But once we start making things again here, everything gets cheaper. Because American workers are incredible. And also very humble. And very used to disappointment. That’s what makes them efficient!”
“We’ll Build It Cheaper, By Paying Less—It’s Simple Math, Folks”
Trump’s economic logic stunned economists and delighted headline writers across the spectrum. He explained that the key to reversing inflation isn’t easing tariffs or fixing supply chains—it’s training the American workforce to embrace 1970s wages with 2025 productivity expectations.
“I talk to factory workers all the time,” Trump said. “They say, ‘Sir, I would love to make flip-flops for $6.25 an hour if it means sticking it to France.’ That’s patriotism. That’s the spirit of Ohio.”
He added that when Americans start making microwaves and sneakers again at “true American prices,” stores like Walmart will be so affordable they’ll “make the Great Depression look like a clearance sale.”
Trump’s Plan to Revive Manufacturing: Sweatshops With Better Branding
Dubbed the “Rust Belt Renaissance™”, Trump’s plan includes:
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New “Freedom Zones” in abandoned malls where labor laws are “flexible”
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A mobile app called “Grindr for Jobs” that matches workers to minimum wage positions via QR code and flag emojis
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A Department of Nostalgic Labor, headed by Mike Rowe and Kid Rock
“We’re going to have Made in America everything again,” Trump boasted. “T-shirts, toasters, tiny American flags—you name it. And the best part is, we don’t have to pay extra for healthcare or pensions. Because we’ve lowered expectations so much, people think PTO stands for ‘Patriots Taking Orders.’”
Experts Respond with Loud Screaming
Economists across the country clutched their degrees and screamed into pillows.
“So let me get this straight,” said Dr. Anita Patel of the Brookings Institution. “We’re going to replace low-cost overseas manufacturing by asking Americans to voluntarily become poor again? That’s... not policy. That’s a hostage situation with overtime.”
Meanwhile, union leaders were unavailable for comment, as they were reportedly laughing too hard to speak.
American Workers Weigh In
Polls show that while some Americans do support rebuilding domestic manufacturing, very few are excited about “competitive salaries based on 1912 wages.”
One Ohioan said:
“Look, I’m all for jobs. But I didn’t realize ‘bringing back factories’ meant bringing back coal dust in my lungs and a company script-based economy. What’s next? Debtors’ prison with Wi-Fi?”
A Trump supporter in Florida remained optimistic:
“I’m happy to earn less, as long as it owns the libs. Plus, Trump says the new lunch breaks will come with American cheese. None of that brie crap.”
Final Thoughts: Patriotism Has a Price, and It’s Below Minimum Wage
As tariffs continue to spike prices on everyday goods—from dishwashers to dog food—Trump remains confident that Americans will grit their teeth, roll up their sleeves, and downgrade their expectations until economic greatness is restored.
“The trick is to pay people just enough so they don’t riot,” Trump concluded. “Call it motivational poverty. It’s beautiful.”
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