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Ask Aunt Patriotica: Unlicensed wisdom for a licensed nation.

Dear Aunt Patriotica,

Yesterday morning, a group of men in tactical gear jumped out of a black SUV and grabbed my landscaper, Jorge, right off my front lawn. He was just about to edge the hydrangeas. They didn’t say who they were—just yelled something about “national security” and “illegal petunias” before speeding off. Now my flower bed is half-done, my driveway looks tragic, and I have no idea what to do. Help?

 — Distressed in the Suburbs

Dear Distressed,

Oh sweetheart, you’ve just experienced what we in the business of freedom like to call a Freedom Extraction. Happens all the time now — like Amazon deliveries, but in reverse and with fewer rights.

Here’s what to do:

1. Call ICE and Thank Them

First things first: call your local Immigration and Customs Enforcement office and express your gratitude for their service. Sure, Jorge may have been a hardworking, tax-paying, plant-whispering gem of a human being, but we can’t have skilled labor running around unchecked. What’s next — polite customer service at Comcast?

2. Update Your Landscaping App

Try downloading the new government-approved landscaping app: WeedWhackerWatch™, which matches you with “verified American” landscapers. All of them come with at least two forms of ID, a GED, and a Glock. The flower beds may die, but freedom will bloom.

3. Report Yourself Just to Be Safe

In today’s America, you never know who’s next. Did you accidentally smile at someone with an accent at the grocery store? Report it. Have you ever bought cilantro? Suspicious. It's best to self-report any empathy immediately before Homeland Empathy Security arrives at your door.

4. Start Your Own Lawn Patrol

Why let jackbooted federal agents have all the fun? Form a local Lawn Watch Posse. Wear matching polos. Carry clipboards. Demand papers from anyone holding a leaf blower. It’s not racial profiling — it’s botanical patriotism.

5. Host a Candlelight Vigil for the Edge Trimmer

Let’s not forget the real victim here: your unfinished landscaping. Host a neighborhood vigil. Invite Fox News. Blame the Biden administration, the UN, and possibly Prince Harry. Someone will listen, probably in the comments section.

Remember, Distressed: in today’s America, anyone who knows how to operate a lawnmower and isn’t named Chet is automatically suspicious. But take heart! With enough blind nationalism, selective empathy, and a few choice Facebook rants, you too can bring order back to your suburban paradise.

God bless your lawn. And God bless America.

Yours in Liberty and Leaf Blowers,
Aunt Patriotica 🇺🇸
“Because if your hedges are trimmed and your freedoms aren’t, you’re not doing it right.”

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