Skip to main content

Ask Aunt Patriotica: Unlicensed wisdom for a licensed nation.

Dear Aunt Patriotica,

Yesterday morning, a group of men in tactical gear jumped out of a black SUV and grabbed my landscaper, Jorge, right off my front lawn. He was just about to edge the hydrangeas. They didn’t say who they were—just yelled something about “national security” and “illegal petunias” before speeding off. Now my flower bed is half-done, my driveway looks tragic, and I have no idea what to do. Help?

 — Distressed in the Suburbs

Dear Distressed,

Oh sweetheart, you’ve just experienced what we in the business of freedom like to call a Freedom Extraction. Happens all the time now — like Amazon deliveries, but in reverse and with fewer rights.

Here’s what to do:

1. Call ICE and Thank Them

First things first: call your local Immigration and Customs Enforcement office and express your gratitude for their service. Sure, Jorge may have been a hardworking, tax-paying, plant-whispering gem of a human being, but we can’t have skilled labor running around unchecked. What’s next — polite customer service at Comcast?

2. Update Your Landscaping App

Try downloading the new government-approved landscaping app: WeedWhackerWatch™, which matches you with “verified American” landscapers. All of them come with at least two forms of ID, a GED, and a Glock. The flower beds may die, but freedom will bloom.

3. Report Yourself Just to Be Safe

In today’s America, you never know who’s next. Did you accidentally smile at someone with an accent at the grocery store? Report it. Have you ever bought cilantro? Suspicious. It's best to self-report any empathy immediately before Homeland Empathy Security arrives at your door.

4. Start Your Own Lawn Patrol

Why let jackbooted federal agents have all the fun? Form a local Lawn Watch Posse. Wear matching polos. Carry clipboards. Demand papers from anyone holding a leaf blower. It’s not racial profiling — it’s botanical patriotism.

5. Host a Candlelight Vigil for the Edge Trimmer

Let’s not forget the real victim here: your unfinished landscaping. Host a neighborhood vigil. Invite Fox News. Blame the Biden administration, the UN, and possibly Prince Harry. Someone will listen, probably in the comments section.

Remember, Distressed: in today’s America, anyone who knows how to operate a lawnmower and isn’t named Chet is automatically suspicious. But take heart! With enough blind nationalism, selective empathy, and a few choice Facebook rants, you too can bring order back to your suburban paradise.

God bless your lawn. And God bless America.

Yours in Liberty and Leaf Blowers,
Aunt Patriotica 🇺🇸
“Because if your hedges are trimmed and your freedoms aren’t, you’re not doing it right.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more