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“I COMMAND THEE TO CUT!” — Trump Throws Tantrum After Fed Ignores His Rate Cut Demands Again

Mar-a-Lago, FL — President Donald J. Trump has once again found himself the victim of a vast, cruel conspiracy: a Federal Reserve that simply refuses to follow his expert economic instincts.

In a caps-locked Truth Social screed posted at 2:13 a.m. (Eastern Standard Delusion), Trump lamented:

“JEROME POWELL IS A DISASTER! The Fed is supposed to listen to the President,! I know interest rates better than ANYONE — ask anyone! Rate cuts NOW!!!”

Sources close to the president say the meltdown began after he learned that the Fed would once again not cut interest rates, despite what he described as "perfect economic conditions": a ballooning national debt, rising consumer prices, and a generous helping of Trump-imposed tariffs that economists have affectionately nicknamed “the flaming dumpster of inflationary pressure.”

💸 The Supreme Economist Strikes Again

Trump, who famously once said “I alone can fix it,” has now extended that philosophy to monetary policy.

In a Fox News call-in titled “Stable Genius: Finance Edition”, Trump declared:

“I mean look, I rebuilt the economy — twice. The Fed should cut rates by at least 5 percent. Maybe 10. Or negative! We’d be making money just by borrowing it. I don’t see the problem.”

When told that negative interest rates might collapse the banking system, Trump responded, “Only the weak banks. The strong ones—like the one I used to own before it mysteriously failed—those would be thriving.”

📊 Fed Chair Powell Responds…Sort Of

Fed Chair Jerome Powell, currently recovering from a permanent eye-roll injury, declined to comment directly. However, in a press conference, he simply held up a graph showing inflation trends and whispered, “We're not doing this again.”

Pressed for comment, a visibly exhausted Fed spokesperson stated:

“The Federal Reserve is an independent body that bases its decisions on rigorous economic data and not, to be clear, on rage posts from a man who once suggested nuking hurricanes.”

🪙 Trump Considers Alternative Solutions

In a bold move to bypass the entire central banking system, Trump has floated the idea of launching “TRUMPBUX,” a gold-plated cryptocurrency backed by “my name, which is more stable than the dollar, frankly.”

According to campaign insiders, Trump has already commissioned 10,000 “In Trump We Trust” coins featuring his face wearing aviators and a cape. Critics noted the coins closely resemble Chuck E. Cheese tokens, but Trump fired back: “Chuck E. never won Wisconsin.”

🤡 The New Plan: Trump to Appoint Himself Fed Chair

Angry that Powell won’t listen to him, Trump has proposed the “Make Interest Rates Great Again Act”, which would allow any president with “more than three golf courses and fewer than three indictments” to assume the role of Federal Reserve Chair by executive proclamation.

While legal scholars universally agree this is unconstitutional and “sounds like something cooked up during a fever dream in a tanning bed,” Trump maintains it’s “tremendously legal” and “George Washington probably did it too.”

🎪 Meanwhile, in MAGAland…

Across the country, Trump supporters are demanding the Fed “unleash the cuts,” holding rallies with signs like:

  • “STOP THE HIKE!”

  • “NO RATES WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!”

  • “INFLATE MY FREEDOM!”

One man outside a Texas Roadhouse was quoted yelling, “If Biden can cancel student loans, Trump can cancel interest!” No one had the heart to explain that’s not how economics works.

Final Note from the Trump Campaign:

“The American people demand low rates, high drama, and a reality-TV-style Fed. And frankly, no one delivers that better than President Trump. Vote 2028 — or else your mortgage stays sad!”

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