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Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth Brags About "Leak-Free" Iran Bombing Raid: "Even I Didn’t Know It Was Happening"

Washington, D.C. — In a surprise Monday press conference held in the parking lot of a Bass Pro Shop, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared the recent U.S. bombing raid on Iran a “resounding operational triumph,” citing the fact that there were absolutely no leaks — or, as he proudly put it, “not even a sniff.”

“I’ve seen tighter group chats in middle school,” Hegseth boasted. “But this? This was Fort Knox. Nobody leaked anything. Not even a hint on Signals Chat--no reporters, nothing! That’s how you know it was flawless.”

When asked how the administration managed to keep the raid so under wraps, Hegseth offered a bold explanation: “Because the president didn’t even tell me. I showed up thinking it was a prayer breakfast and suddenly we’re launching precision strikes against Iran. Brilliant move. Caught me totally off guard, and I’m the Secretary of Defense!”

White House insiders confirmed that the operation’s secrecy was maintained via an elite-level communications strategy: not telling anyone who didn’t absolutely need to know — or, in this case, telling absolutely no one. “We call it the ‘Oops, We Did It Again’ doctrine,” one senior aide explained. “It reduces leaks, oversight, and basic accountability all at once.”

Hegseth also credited his personal preparedness for the mission’s success. “I wore Depends just in case,” he said. “You can’t afford to be caught off-guard in this job. One minute you're praising Eisenhower on cable news, the next you’re authorizing strikes from a Cracker Barrel.”

The Secretary ended his remarks with a pointed message to America's adversaries: “Let this be a warning to rogue regimes everywhere. You never know when we’ll act — because, frankly, neither do we.”

Critics raised concerns about the legality, strategy, and ethics of the operation, but Hegseth brushed them off, saying, “Strategy is just vibes with a flag. And our vibes were lethal.”

Meanwhile, the Pentagon has ordered a commemorative coin for the operation. The front features an eagle looking confused, and the back reads: “Nobody Knew. Especially Us.”

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