Team Trump Furious Over Intelligence Leak That Contradicts Trump’s Iran Victory Claim — But Also Say It’s Totally Fake

“Whoever leaked this fake treason will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” vows Trump’s legal team with a straight face.

Mar-a-Lago, FL — President Donald Trump and his inner circle are in full outrage mode after leaked intelligence reports contradicted Trump’s triumphant claim that the recent bombing of Iran had “completely obliterated” its nuclear program.

“This leak is a national security catastrophe,” said Trump spokesperson Brickland Patriot IV. “The American people were supposed to believe we bombed Iran back to the Stone Age. Now this so-called intelligence report comes out and says the nuclear facilities are still operational? Totally unacceptable. Also, fake.”

The report, leaked to several media outlets over the weekend, states that “Iran’s nuclear infrastructure sustained minimal damage,” and “key enrichment facilities were not impacted.” It also noted that “the strikes appeared more theatrical than strategic, possibly designed for political optics.”

Trump, furious that reality has once again interfered with his messaging, took to Truth Social in a spray of capital letters:

“FAKE LEAKED INTELLIGENCE from LOSERS in the DEEP STATE! I OBLITERATED IRAN’S NUKES — that’s what the generals told me. Or at least the one who sells me supplements. These reports are a DISGRACE. Treason!!! Also I never saw them. But I declassified them just in case. Boom!”

Despite calling the reports fake, Trump’s team is demanding the Department of Justice hunt down and prosecute whoever leaked them.

“You can’t just release classified information that contradicts the President’s glorious vision,” said legal adviser Rudy Giuliani, shouting from inside a barrel of sauerkraut. “That’s un-American. And frankly, rude.”

When reporters pointed out the contradiction — that the administration says the documents are both fake and classified — Giuliani clarified: “Exactly. They’re fake in content but real in classification. You can have Schrödinger’s intelligence if you believe hard enough.”

Sources inside the Pentagon say the operation was never intended to fully dismantle Iran’s nuclear capability, and that the selected targets were chosen for their “excellent camera angles” and “low probability of international fallout.”

Meanwhile, President Trump is renewing his calls for the Nobel Peace Prize, stating:

“Look, I prevented World War 3 by bombing just enough to make it look cool but not enough to do anything. That’s genius-level restraint. That’s peace through very dramatic explosions. Give me the Nobel. Or at least a plaque. Or a sash.”