“Why should students without disabilities have to work under normal conditions?” asks the president
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move hailed by absolutely no disability advocates anywhere, the Trump administration has announced sweeping cuts to federal disability support programs in higher education, claiming the initiative will “finally make things fair for the average, non-disabled, hardworking, definitely-not-coddled American student.”
In a Rose Garden press conference, President Trump declared:
“We’re restoring balance. These disabled students, they get scribes, extra time, talking computers, emotional support animals—meanwhile the regular students get nothing. That’s not fair, folks.”
He then unveiled his new executive order: Equal Struggle for All, which eliminates federal funding for accommodations such as extended testing time, assistive technologies, note-taking services, and ramps that “ruin the clean lines of our beautiful American architecture.”
New Motto: “If You Can’t Do It the Hard Way, Don’t Do It at All”
The Department of Education, newly rebranded as the Department of Grit and Bootstraps, issued a statement:
“From now on, students will be evaluated on a level playing field, even if they can’t physically access the field, see the ball, or hear the referee.”
Secretary of Education Biff Bulldozer (formerly the head of a CrossFit gym) clarified:
“We’re replacing disability services with a one-size-fits-all approach. Literally. Every student gets the same textbook, desk, and stopwatch. No exceptions. That’s equality.”
He then demonstrated the new policy by racing a wheelchair user up a staircase and declaring himself the winner.
Trump: “Disability Accommodations Are Just Academic Steroids”
In a follow-up interview on Fox & Friends & Flag Pins, Trump compared academic accommodations to “doping in the Olympics.”
“You’ve got little Timmy over here using a voice reader to write his essay. Meanwhile, Billy has to type it out with his own two hands like some kind of peasant. It’s rigged! These disabled students are like the Ivy League of empathy points.”
He added, “Nobody gave me extra time on my SATs, and look at me now—I’m president. And I only needed three tutors and my dad’s donation to make it happen.”
University Campuses Begin Implementing New Guidelines
In compliance with the new rules, colleges across the country have already begun removing wheelchair-accessible entrances and replacing audio-enabled software with a new app called Deal With It™, which auto-replies to accessibility requests with a shrug emoji.
Professors have been instructed to treat all students “exactly the same,” which includes assigning identical deadlines, refusing to acknowledge cognitive or sensory differences, and grading everyone on their ability to complete tasks.
“We’re training tomorrow’s leaders,” said one university president. “And in the real world, no one gives you accommodations. Except wealthy people, corporations, and the president himself, of course.”
Critics Silenced (Literally)
When asked about protests from disability rights organizations, Trump responded,
“They’re just mad because I’m the first president brave enough to say what everyone’s thinking: empathy is socialism.”
He then promised that all remaining disability offices on campus would be repurposed into “Productivity Training Centers” featuring inspirational posters of eagles and quotes like “Pain is weakness.”
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