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Trump Declares Himself “Most Patriotic, Most Constitutional President Ever,” Threatens to “Streamline” Judicial Branch

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a statement delivered poolside between bites of a well-done steak, President Donald J. Trump announced today that he is "by far, the most patriotic and most constitutional president in the history of this great, incredible, perfect country,” and that “no one knows the Constitution better than me, not even the people who wrote it — and I mean that.”

Flanked by American flags, a golden eagle statue, and several reluctant interns holding pocket-sized Constitutions upside down, Trump unveiled his new “True Patriotism Agenda,” which includes a bold plan to “relocate” the judicial branch to “a really nice island, maybe Guam or Rikers,” if it continues to “misinterpret his totally perfect policies.”

“If the courts don’t agree with me, that just proves they’re unconstitutional,” said Trump. “I took a look at Article II — which, by the way, gives me the power to do whatever I want — and nowhere does it say I can’t just… you know, clean house. Judges are just angry law librarians in robes.”

When asked by a reporter how his plan aligns with the principle of separation of powers, Trump scoffed:

“Separation of powers? I prefer unification of winning. The Founding Fathers — great guys, very classy — they would have loved me. Washington had wooden teeth. I have gold elevators. Do the math.”

Legal scholars reacted with confusion and existential dread. “I don’t know how to respond,” said Dr. Linda Pershing, a constitutional law professor. “He seems to think the Constitution is a kind of loyalty test. And possibly also a menu.”

The president's remarks come on the heels of his new executive order, “Freedom First, Judicial Last,” which grants him the power to issue binding constitutional interpretations via social media. Legal experts note that the order, posted exclusively to Truth Social in all caps, lacks legal basis — and punctuation.

Meanwhile, Trump supporters have rallied around his call to “Make Article II Great Again,” launching a line of red hats embroidered with “UNILATERAL EXECUTIVE POWER” in gold thread.

As the press conference ended, Trump turned to the crowd and concluded:

“I swore to preserve, protect, and totally dominate the Constitution. And if anyone disagrees, I’ll declare them unconstitutional too. Very simple.”

The ghost of James Madison could not be reached for comment.

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