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Trump Rages at “Woke” Video Games: “Even Mario’s Got DEI Now!”

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a surprise press conference held between rounds of golf and executive cheeseburgers, President Donald Trump took time to lash out at what he called “the radical leftist invasion of video games,” lamenting that even his favorite pastime has succumbed to “DEI tyranny.”

“They’ve ruined everything,” Trump declared to a crowd of mostly confused Mar-a-Lago staff and a lone Newsmax cameraman. “You can’t even shoot an alien anymore without having to check if it’s part of a protected class. I played this one game—some elf, some wizard, I don’t know—and the elf had purple hair and pronouns. Folks, the elves never had pronouns under Reagan!”

Trump accused major game developers of pushing “dangerous, diversity-based ideologies” into their titles, claiming that modern video games are “no longer about winning” but about “feelings, empathy, and listening to non-binary characters.”

“When I was growing up, we had Pac-Man, okay? He was a strong, silent type. No agenda. Now he’s probably in a maze with Ms. Pac-Man and an anthropomorphic ghost named Queerbo,” Trump fumed. “It’s sad, folks. Very sad.”

He cited “Call of Duty” as a particular victim of “DEI infiltration.” “Back in my day, every soldier was a square-jawed white guy named Jack or maybe Chuck. Now they’ve got women, people of all nations—some of them not even speaking English, can you believe it?”

Trump promised that under his administration, he would create a new federal rating system: “Games That Put America First”, or GPAF. “We’ll rate games based on patriotism, the number of American flags, and how many characters love the Constitution. And believe me—no dragons with gender studies degrees.”

While critics argue that the gaming industry is simply reflecting the real-world diversity of its players, Trump dismissed such claims, saying, “I don’t want reality in my games—I want to win, I want to shoot, and I want every character to look like they came straight out of a Toby Keith concert.”

Meanwhile, several top game studios responded by releasing a new character: “Commander Covfefe,” a conspiracy-theorizing, spray-tanned villain who speaks in all caps and throws golden steaks as weapons. Early reviews call him “deeply unrealistic—he hasn’t been arrested yet.”

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