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Trump Responds to ‘No Kings’ Protest: ‘I’m Not a King. I’m Just a Very Handsome Strongman’” President insists he only wants to rule forever in a “totally non-royal, extremely macho” way

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After thousands of Americans flooded the Nthe streets of cities throughout the country chanting “No Kings!” in protest of President Trump’s increasingly autocratic behavior, the president took to the podium outside the White House to deliver a rebuttal soaked in ego, confusion, and vague admiration for shirtless horseback riding.

“I’ve heard people are upset,” Trump began, flanked by guards in red caps and capes. “They’re saying ‘no kings,’ and I agree. I’m not a king. Kings wear silly crowns and wave like they’re in a parade. I wave like a leader. A strong leader. Maybe like Putin. Maybe stronger.”

He paused for applause from a small group of supporters who had been bused in and promised free steaks.

“Being a strongman is not monarchy—it’s leadership with muscles.”

Trump emphasized that he was “totally not interested” in hereditary rule, despite recently renaming his youngest son Baron Supreme Jr. and appointing Ivanka as “First Daughter of the Realm.”

“I’m not trying to be king,” Trump clarified. “I’m just saying if we happen to end up with a Trump ruling class for the next 400 years, that’s just good genes and better branding.”

He then unveiled a banner reading:

“MAKE AUTOCRACY CLASSY AGAIN”

Trump Denies Having Royal Ambitions 

During a press briefing held on the White House Lawn, which had been converted into a gilded victory garden with bronze statues of Trump in various leadership poses, the president clarified:

“I’m not into royal stuff. Crowns, scepters, balls—boring. I prefer power that comes from the people. And by people, I mean me.”

He then signed Executive Order 1776½, which authorizes Trump to veto any criticism from protestors and allows him to suspend the First Amendment during “emotional flare-ups.”

No-Kings Protestors Labeled “Royal Deniers” by State Media

Trump-aligned outlets like OAN, Fox News+Ultra, and MyPillow News Network quickly released op-eds accusing the protesters of wanting “weak leaders with glasses and books.”

“They don’t understand real strength,” said one anchor. “Real strength is tweeting nuclear threats at breakfast and declaring martial law by dinner.”

The No Kings Protest, which was peaceful, orderly, and deeply historical in its messaging, was dismissed by the White House as “a low-energy renaissance fair for soy boys.” Trump also claimed that anyone protesting hated America and should be deported.

Putin Reaches Out to Congratulate Trump on ‘Finally Getting It’

Kremlin sources report that Russian President Vladimir Putin called Trump after his speech and congratulated him on “fully embracing the post-democracy aesthetic.”

“He used to be a little insecure about being seen as a strongman,” Putin allegedly said, “but now he’s really blossoming. I’m so proud.”

Trump reportedly replied, “Thanks, bro,” before ordering a military flyover of Mar-a-Lago.

Future Plans Include:

  • Creating the Trumpian Guard, a paramilitary force made up of loyal Truth Social users and retired mall cops

  • Changing the national anthem to “You Can’t Always Be Trump, But You Should Try”

  • Replacing all presidents on currency with various Trump 

At press time, Trump concluded:

“Look, I’m not a king. I’m just a man of the people. The best people. The most obedient people. The kind who chant my name in stadiums and swear loyalty with a blood oath. You know—freedom!”

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