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Trump Unveils Genius Peace Plan: “We’re Going to War with Iran to Bring Peace to the Middle East. And Ukraine. And Honestly, Everywhere.”

“Sometimes, to stop fire, you need a much, much bigger fire,” he explains.

PALM BEACH, FL — In a bold and visionary foreign policy speech delivered from the ballroom of Mar-a-Lago President Donald J. Trump unveiled his long-awaited plan to bring peace to the Middle East and Ukraine.

Step one? War with Iran.

“It’s very simple,” Trump declared, gesturing confidently toward a map of the world labeled “Places I’ll Fix” with a crayon-drawn explosion over Tehran. “We go to war with Iran — big, beautiful, the best kind of war — and then boom, everyone’s too tired to fight anymore. That’s how you get peace.”

The president, who previously promised to end “forever wars” by escalating drone strikes and pulling out of treaties no one asked him to leave, explained that his new doctrine is called “Peace Through Total Unpredictable Mayhem.”

“Middle East? Solved. You’re welcome. Ukraine? I’ll confuse Putin into surrendering by attacking a completely different country. Iran’s gonna be so shocked, they’ll stop enriching uranium and start enriching friendship. I call it 4D peace chess.”

Reporters attempted to ask follow-up questions, but Trump redirected attention to a PowerPoint slide titled “Peace Plan Timeline”, which consisted of:

  1. Blow something up

  2. Wait for gratitude

  3. Accept Nobel Peace Prize

According to insiders, Trump has been inspired by historical peace icons like himself. “I mean, who’s done more for peace than me?” he asked rhetorically. “Certainly not Gandhi.”

Trump’s allies have hailed the plan as “refreshingly chaotic,” noting that peace has never been tried by provoking a potentially nuclear-armed nation with a history of regional instability. “You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet,” said one aide. “

Defense experts are reportedly baffled, with one general whispering, “Does he think peace is a perfume brand?”

The international response has been mixed. The European Union issued a joint statement reading simply, “Please don’t.” Iran responded by live-streaming a video of its parliament simultaneously laughing and updating its missile coordinates.

At press time, Trump claimed he would personally fly to the Middle East to “inspire peace by example,” adding, “They’re gonna love me over there. I’ve heard so many people in Iran say ‘Trump is number one’ — while holding up a middle finger.”

Peace is expected to break out sometime in never, assuming the world survives long enough for it.

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