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Trump’s Ultimate Scapegoat: The Illegal Immigrant Who Does Everything, Everywhere, All at Once

By The American Scapegoat Society Journal

In a stunning and not-at-all-shocking press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Croquet Pavilion, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he described as “the greatest threat to America since Rosie O’Donnell” — an illegal immigrant named José Q. Multitasker, who he claims is personally responsible for every problem in the United States.

“This guy — and I’m told he’s very sneaky, very strong, and maybe from Honduras or possibly Mars — has been stealing jobs, elections, catalytic converters, and even Christmas,” Trump declared, pointing to an FBI sketch of a vaguely brown silhouette wearing a sombrero, hoodie, and Antifa pin.

🔍 Meet the Mythical Menace

According to Trump, José Q. Multitasker is:

  • Registered to vote in 47 states (and Puerto Rico, which he now insists is a swing state),

  • Working 12 jobs under different names, including your Uber driver, your dentist, and the guy who beat Trump in the popular vote, and

  • Moonlighting as a Soros-funded drag queen who teaches Critical Race Theory to kindergartners during nap time.

“He’s everywhere. He’s everyone,” Trump warned. “He’s probably hiding in your soup. I wouldn’t be surprised.”

📊 The Facts (Or Something Like Them)

Pressed for evidence, Trump produced a stack of papers labeled “Proof” in gold sharpie. The contents included:

  • A crayon drawing of a wall,

  • A receipt from Taco Bell,

  • And a screenshot of a tweet from @PatriotMom420 that reads:

    “My cousin’s friend’s dog got deported by mistake and now our gas is $4.00. Thanks, José!”

“This is what they don’t want you to see,” Trump said solemnly, holding the receipt upside down.

🧠 Psychological Projection, but Make It Patriotic

Experts in sociology, psychology, and basic reasoning suggest Trump may be using illegal immigrants as a bogeyman to deflect attention from systemic issues like wage stagnation, corporate deregulation, and his own inability to tell the difference between an actual border and a golf course sand trap.

But MAGA loyalists aren’t buying it.

“I saw José yesterday,” said Sharon Bigguns of Oklahoma. “He was driving a stolen Amazon van and throwing mail-in ballots out the window while doing fentanyl and teaching my kids Spanish.”

🚨 Trump’s Plan to Stop Him

To halt José’s reign of terror, Trump has proposed:

  1. A new, improved border wall that stretches to Canada and underground through Mexico, “like the Panama Canal but with lasers.”

  2. Election scanners that scream “ILLEGAL!” when touched by anyone not baptized in Bud Light.

  3. A special deportation task force made up entirely of MyPillow employees and Florida retirees with golf carts.

🎤 Closing Remarks

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,” Trump thundered. “If we don’t stop José Q. Multitasker, next thing you know, he’ll be running for president himself. And quite frankly, I’m worried he might win — because apparently, he already did.”

Trump then exited to chants of “Build That Wall!” and signed copies of his new children’s book, “Where’s José? (Hint: Everywhere You Don’t Want Him to Be).”

Coming Soon: Trump’s follow-up claim that illegal immigrants are also responsible for:

  • Global warming,

  • The Titanic sinking,

  • And Melania’s absence from public appearances.

Investigators remain baffled. José remains mythical. And Trump remains Trump.

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