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“But They Still Broke the Law!”: Liberal Tries Sharing Facts About Undocumented Immigrants, Accidentally Triggers a Patriotic Seizure

By Clara Rationale, Senior Correspondent for Useless Facts Liberals Keep Citing

ELKHORN FALLS, USA — In what experts are calling “the intellectual equivalent of yelling into a leaf blower,” local liberal Jessica Morales made the critical mistake of attempting to show her conservative neighbor, Bob “I Know What I Know” Wexler, peer-reviewed facts about undocumented immigrants.

Armed with a Congressional Budget Office report, a few IRS statistics, and an extremely polite tone, Jessica explained that:

  • Most undocumented immigrants pay income, sales, and property taxes.

  • Many contribute billions to Social Security using Individual Taxpayer Identification Numbers (ITINs).

  • They cannot access those Social Security benefits due to their undocumented status.

  • Their labor supports entire industries, including agriculture, construction, and hospitality.

Bob responded by calling her “a woke idiot who probably thinks drag queens should run the military.”

“They Still Broke the Law”

“I don’t care what your liberal numbers say,” Bob shouted, tapping his favorite bald eagle coffee mug for emphasis.
“They broke the law! That’s it! End of discussion. You want people to just walk into your house and eat your cereal too?”

Jessica, who was actually born in Nebraska and owns her own home, tried to explain that overstaying a visa and entering without documents are civil offenses—not criminal ones—but Bob had already moved on to yelling something about fentanyl, socialism, and how he can’t get a plumber anymore without speaking Spanish.

Facts, Schmacts

Jessica then offered a study from the Center for Migration Studies showing that undocumented immigrants contributed over $13 billion to Social Security in a single year and that deporting them would shrink the GDP by hundreds of billions.

Bob replied, “I don’t care what the Deep State 'Center for Whatever' says. I’ve got common sense and a gut. And my gut says they’re stealing jobs and elections—and probably Wi-Fi too.”

Jessica asked him for any sources to support his claims.

Bob replied, “My uncle Dave works with a guy who saw an illegal buy a sandwich once and not even say ‘thank you.’ So there’s your proof.”

A Brief Attempt at Analogy

Hoping to bridge the divide, Jessica said:

“Imagine someone paying into your retirement fund for 20 years, but never getting a cent from it.”

Bob blinked.

Then he laughed and said, “That’s literally how I describe my marriage.”

The Aftermath

Jessica left the conversation and went home to decompress by watching a documentary on worker exploitation and systemic racism. Bob fired up Facebook, where he shared a Minion meme that read:
“If you love illegals so much, why don’t you marry one and pay their taxes too?”
It got 274 likes and 12 angry reacts from confused aunts.

Conclusion
In a nation increasingly allergic to nuance, Jessica learned a painful but important truth:
Facts are powerless in the face of vibes, especially when those vibes are wrapped in an American flag and dipped in resentment.

Next week, Bob explains how climate change is fake because it snowed once in April.

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