Conservative Man Blasts Islam After Skimming 2 Wikipedia Paragraphs; Liberal Attempts Rescue Mission with Facts, Fails Miserably

CRANBERRY FALLS, OH — In a brave display of willful ignorance, local conservative patriot Tucker “Red, White, and Righteous” McGee launched into a 37-minute tirade against Islam during a backyard barbecue this weekend, citing “clear and present danger to American values,” all while holding a Coors Light and grilling hot dogs next to a burning copy of the Quran he claimed he “found on the ground near the library.”

“I mean, it’s obvious,” Tucker began, gesturing wildly with a bottle of lighter fluid. “Islam is all about forcing women into bags, banning bacon, and yelling stuff in Arabic at airports. They hate our freedom, our Budweiser, and our God-given right to shoot squirrels with AR-15s.”

Asked to clarify where he had learned about Islam, Tucker cited “some memes on Facebook,” a TikTok from someone named @RealCrusaderBro, and “a very credible source” known only as “Joe Rogan’s vibes.”

Witnesses say that was when local liberal, college graduate, and self-declared “intersectional empath” Brianna Sunderson, who once took an Intro to World Religions class in college, stepped in.

“Tucker,” she said cautiously, “Islam is a monotheistic Abrahamic religion practiced by over 1.9 billion people worldwide. It literally shares roots with Judaism and Christianity. Muslims worship the same God. The name ‘Allah’ just means ‘God’ in Arabic.”

Tucker blinked. “Wrong,” he grunted, “Allah is their moon god or something. I saw a chart once. Looked like a Pokémon evolution diagram, but for terror.”

Brianna tried again. “The five pillars of Islam are prayer, charity, fasting, belief in one God, and pilgrimage—nothing about terrorism or destroying the West.”

At this point, Tucker began yelling the word “Sharia” at progressively louder volumes while furiously typing “Islam danger proof” into Google. When Brianna pointed out that many Islamic-majority countries interpret Sharia differently and that American Muslims follow the U.S. Constitution just like everyone else, Tucker accused her of treason.

“Next you’ll be telling me Jesus wasn’t a white guy from Texas!” he barked. “I bet you think he was brown or something!”

“Historically, he was from the Middle East,” Brianna replied, instantly regretting everything.

By the end of the night, Tucker had created a Facebook event titled “Ban Islam in Cranberry Falls Before It’s Too Late!”, which three of his uncles and a lawnmower repairman immediately RSVP’d to. Brianna, meanwhile, returned home to her studio apartment to weep softly into her cat while drafting a 28-tweet thread on religious tolerance that no one read.

Asked for final thoughts, Tucker declared, “I’m not racist against Muslims. Islam’s not a race! Checkmate, libtards.”

He then put on a “Jesus Is My Copilot, But He Supports Preemptive Drone Strikes” T-shirt and sat down to rewatch American Sniper for the 11th time this week.

Related:

• Op-Ed: “Why I’m Not Islamophobic, I Just Think Muslims Shouldn’t Exist Near Me”

• Report: 93% of Americans Who Fear Sharia Law Can’t Spell It

• Brianna’s Follow-Up Article: “Explaining Nuance to the Willfully Uninformed is Like Arguing with a Casserole”

God bless America. And also maybe Saudi Arabia, but only for the oil.