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Conservatives Finally Reveal Obama’s Crimes: ‘He Was Just So…Smooth and Articulate, It Was Suspicious’

FREEDOM GULCH, TEXAS — After over a decade of stewing in righteous indignation, a coalition of concerned conservative patriots has finally come forward with the definitive list of President Barack Obama’s many, many crimes — a list that includes everything from using Dijon mustard to wearing a tan suit, and maybe even being born.

“He had to be guilty of something,” said local conspiracy historian Cletus T. Hankins, while assembling a corkboard labeled ObamaGateGate. “You don’t just get elected president with a law degree, no scandals, and a family that doesn’t embarrass you on TikTok. That’s criminal activity right there.”

Asked to specify exactly what crimes Obama committed during his presidency, Cletus cleared his throat and launched into a detailed indictment:

The Crimes of Barack Hussein Obama (According to People Who Can't Define "Indictment"):

  1. Wore a Tan Suit in the White House.
    “It was a direct assault on the sanctity of the Oval Office,” said Fox & Friends viewer and part-time patriot Pam Bledsoe. “He looked like he was auditioning for Miami Vice instead of bombing the right countries.”

  2. Used Dijon Mustard on a Hamburger.
    “Just ask Sean Hannity,” Cletus growled. “Regular Americans use yellow mustard like God intended. Dijon? That’s French. And you know who else was French? Napoleon. Coincidence?”

  3. Read Books and Pronounced Words Correctly.
    “Every time he gave a speech, I felt personally attacked,” admitted Bob Jenkins, founder of the Facebook group 'Obummer Is The Antichrist'. “He said ‘nuclear’ with all the syllables. That’s not how real Americans talk.”

  4. Spoke in Full Sentences Without Yelling.
    “What’s he hiding with all that grammar?” asked Tucker Carlson in a recent segment titled ‘Is Eloquence a Threat to Democracy?’ “Sometimes the most dangerous man in the room is the calm one with subject-verb agreement.”

  5. Had a Scandal-Free Presidency.
    “That’s the biggest scandal of all,” declared Congressman Randy W. Fudgebucket (R-Confederacy). “Not one major indictment. Not even a sex scandal. Makes you think... what is he really hiding?”

  6. Was Not White.
    (Editor’s note: This was mumbled under breath but heard loudly in many parts of the room.)

Bonus Accusations (Still Under Investigation by Facebook Memes):

  • Secret Muslim.

  • Born in Kenya.

  • Trained Antifa members in the Lincoln Bedroom.

  • Invented kale.

  • Personally installed solar panels on America’s hearts and minds.

“Obama divided the country by existing,” fumed Brenda McSnort, who voted for Trump three times and once mistook her Alexa for Hillary Clinton. “We were perfectly united in our ignorance until that man came along with his Harvard brain and civil tone.”

When reminded that Obama passed a bipartisan health care law, killed Osama bin Laden, and endured eight years of baseless Congressional investigations, the group huddled and issued the following statement:

“If Obama wasn’t guilty, why did we all feel like he was?”

As the meeting adjourned, the group vowed to uncover even more crimes, such as “making Michelle garden” and “being too photogenic.” Meanwhile, an actual convicted felon won the White House.

Coming Next Week:
“Was Obama’s Dog a Deep State Asset?”
Spoiler: Yes. He barked in code.

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