Conservatives Furious Biden Aides Plead the 5th Over Autopen Scandal; Liberals Remind Them Trump Treated the 5th Like a Loyalty Oath

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outrage erupted on conservative media this week after it was revealed that several aides to former President Joe Biden invoked the Fifth Amendment when questioned about the now-infamous Autopen Incident — a scandal involving the automatic signing of a routine veterans’ benefits bill while Biden was attending a groundbreaking ceremony for an Amtrak-themed dog park.

“THIS IS WORSE THAN WATERGATE!” shouted Fox News anchor Chad Freedom, whose tie gradually transformed into an American flag mid-broadcast. “The American people deserve to know who programmed the autopen, who pressed the button, and whether Biden even knew he was president that day.”

Republican Congressman Buford McDrapes (R-Tantrum) immediately called for hearings. “This is a blatant violation of the Constitution,” he declared. “We have to get to the bottom of this mechanical ink-stamping madness. Was the pen… woke?”

Meanwhile, MAGA influencers on Truth Social suggested that the autopen may have been hacked by George Soros, the ghost of Karl Marx, or, most disturbingly, Hunter Biden’s laptop.

A Fifth of Hypocrisy

As the conservative outrage machine whirred into high gear, Democrats rolled their eyes so hard they briefly altered Earth’s rotation. “Just a reminder,” tweeted Congresswoman AOC, “Donald Trump pled the Fifth more than 450 times. That wasn’t about an autopen. That was about fraud, tax evasion, and hush money.”

In response, MAGA loyalist Todd P. Liberty (@Trump4Jesus69) tweeted: “Yeah but when Trump pleads the Fifth, it’s patriotism. When Biden’s team does it, it’s treason. Know the difference, sheep.”

Asked for comment, President Trump released a statement written in sharpie across an Arby’s receipt:

“Only guilty people plead the Fifth, unless it’s me. In that case, I was too smart to answer their fake, rigged, very unfair questions. I know the Constitution better than anyone. I wrote some of it. FACT. Biden uses an AUTOPEN. I use a Sharpie. That’s called leadership.”

Sean Hannity devoted an entire segment to analyzing footage of the autopen in action, speculating it may have been forged in a Chinese lab or manufactured by windmill parts. “Do you know what else uses automatic writing?” Hannity asked ominously. “Witches. Just something to think about.”

Future Hearings

The House Oversight Committee is reportedly preparing to subpoena the autopen itself, along with a White House staffer known only as "Janine from Stationery."

Meanwhile, legal scholars weighed in, noting that invoking the Fifth Amendment is, in fact, a constitutional right available to all citizens — even those not named Trump.

“But only when it’s used to avoid testifying about an actual crime,” noted law professor Dr. Anita Realpoint. “Not when it’s about whether the President signed his own birthday card.”

As of press time, Republicans were seen furiously trying to write a bill banning all autopens, except the one Ronald Reagan once used in 1987, which they have now declared to be “sacred.”