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"Election Integrity™: How Stealing an Election Became the Best Way to Protect It"

By Patri O’Tism, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Circular Logic

In a bold move to defend democracy from the ravages of democracy, America’s most patriotic patriots have taken a principled stand: the 2020 election was rigged, stolen, corrupt, compromised, fraudulent, infiltrated, and possibly haunted. And thus—obviously—any and all attempts to overturn its results were not just legitimate, but holy acts of constitutional cosplay.

Led by a man who once claimed that Ted Cruz’s father killed JFK and that windmills cause cancer, the movement to “Stop the Steal” has demonstrated an ironclad commitment to facts—so long as those facts are delivered via meme, shouted from a rally stage, or spoken in a very loud voice on cable news between ads for reverse mortgages.

“We love the Constitution,” one protester shouted while climbing the Capitol steps in a buffalo headdress. “That’s why we’re using bear spray on Capitol Police—to protect Article Two, or maybe Article Eleven. Whichever one says Trump wins.”

When asked about the irony of trying to nullify a democratic election in the name of election integrity, conservative thought leader Buckley Freedomson explained, “Look, if Democrats win an election, it’s clearly stolen. If Republicans win, it’s the will of God. That’s just how liberty works.”

Pressed further on Trump’s own attempts to strong-arm state officials, create fake electors, pressure the DOJ, and ask his vice president to reject certified results, Freedomson replied, “It’s only a coup if it fails. Otherwise, it's just aggressive quality control.”

Meanwhile, in a show of devotion to law and order, GOP lawmakers have suggested that those who broke into the Capitol were merely “tourists,” that Trump was just expressing “concerns,” and that the 2020 election remains under ongoing audit by a guy in a shed with a UV light and a hunch.

In a stunning legal argument currently being tested in multiple courts, Trump's defenders now claim that a president has “total immunity” for actions taken to defend the nation from the electoral choices of its own citizens.

“Look,” said Rudy Giuliani, speaking from beneath a leaky hair dye waterfall, “if the people didn’t want Trump to be president, why did he say he won? Case closed.”

As 2028 looms, many on the right are already preparing to pre-denounce the results. “We believe every legal vote should count,” they say, “and we’ll know which ones are legal based on whether we win.”

Because in the end, what’s more American than denying democracy in order to save it?

God bless the United States of Allegedly.

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