Skip to main content

MAGA Mom Claims Illegals Get “Gold-Plated Benefits,” Leaves VA Clinic in a 2002 Chevy Held Together with Duct Tape

 By Truthy McSatire, Senior Editor of Things That Never Happened but People Believe Anyway

TEXOMA COUNTY, USA — Clutching a Facebook meme and a lukewarm McRib, local patriot Brenda Jean Worthington passionately explained this week that undocumented immigrants—“illegals,” in her words—cross the border, “illegally, of course,” and are instantly handed “a benefits buffet that would make the neediest, bravest veteran weep.”

“I mean, come on,” said Brenda Jean, lighting a Freedom Candle™ from Hobby Lobby.
“They cross the Rio Grande, and boom—free food, free housing, a Tesla, probably a scholarship to Harvard and a gift card to Target!”

Brenda’s nephew, a veteran who has spent the last six months waiting for a basic medical referral from the VA, was unavailable for comment due to being stuck on hold with the Veterans Crisis Line.

Liberal Tries to Gently Intervene, Fails Immediately

Area liberal Marcus Feldman made the fatal error of entering the conversation by mentioning the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996, which—surprise—explicitly bans undocumented immigrants from receiving nearly all federal public benefits, including SNAP, TANF, Medicaid, and other programs.

“Actually, undocumented immigrants aren’t eligible for most of the things you’re talking about,” Marcus said, while trying to hand her a printout from the Congressional Research Service.

Brenda responded with a sneer and a hard squint.

“That’s cute, Marcus. You still believe in documents. I go by lived experience, which is what Facebook tells me after midnight.”

Brenda’s Evidence: “I Saw a Video Once”

Brenda cited irrefutable evidence for her claim: a blurry TikTok video of someone pulling a suitcase through a Greyhound station.

“That’s what they get,” she said, slamming her Diet Coke on the table.
“Free suitcases, hotel rooms, gourmet snacks, and Biden Bucks. Meanwhile, my cousin Chuck—he served in Grenada—has to pay for his own bandages.”

When asked for any proof beyond that TikTok video and a meme featuring Jesus hugging an AR-15, Brenda simply muttered, “You wouldn’t understand. You went to college.”

The Inevitable Pivot

Brenda soon pivoted to deeper truths:

  • The border is wide open.

  • Immigrants vote illegally.

  • Immigrants are simultaneously stealing jobs and refusing to work.

  • Somehow, they also invented COVID.

Marcus, who once worked for a refugee resettlement agency and now helps veterans navigate benefit applications, tried one last time: “Even legal immigrants have to wait five years to qualify for most assistance programs, and undocumented folks aren’t eligible at all.”

Brenda took a long sip of her soda and said, “Look, I just know what I feel. And I feel like America is being stolen by people who don’t even speak English good.”

Final Scene

Brenda was last seen posting on X:

“Illegals get 5-Star Hotels and Xboxes. My uncle who stormed Des Moines in a snowstorm gets nothing. Shame.”

She received 1,247 likes and 17 marriage proposals from men with usernames like “2AOrBust73.”

Meanwhile, Marcus went home and screamed into a throw pillow labeled “Data.”

Coming up next: Brenda explains how wind turbines are killing bald eagles and making frogs less straight.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more