By Buckley T. Virtuemarch, columnist for The Traditional Torch
For too long, America has been overrun by radicals insisting that people be allowed to live authentically and experience joy. But now, thanks to the heroic work of “reparative therapy” programs and prayer camps with suspiciously muscular pastors, we’re finally turning the tide!
The Science of the Soul
Sure, so-called “doctors” and “major medical associations” have denounced conversion therapy as harmful, unethical, and ineffective. But what do they know? They're just scientists. I trust Pastor Dale, who cured his own son’s “identity crisis” using nothing but a Bible, a paintball retreat, and two months of mandatory eye contact with cheerleaders.
Meet Carl: America’s First “Successfully Converted” Gay Man*
Carl (last name withheld because his parents are still hoping he’ll vanish quietly) now leads a totally heterosexual life. He’s married to a woman named Susan, whom he high-fives affectionately every evening before retreating to separate twin beds.
He even joined a men’s bowling league and bought a truck. Sure, he still cries when he sees a rainbow, but now it’s the right kind of tears — the patriotic kind.
When asked about his past, Carl nervously glances at the exit and says, “I’m totally fine now. Thank you for saving me from myself.”
*Carl’s therapist later confirmed this was the first time he’s ever used the word “fine” without air quotes.
The Healing Power of Shame
Conversion therapy isn’t about hate — it’s about loving someone so much you shame them into pretending they’re someone else. Isn’t that what family is for?
We gather these poor confused souls, strip them of their identity, and replace it with an intense fear of disappointing Jesus and Uncle Randy. And it works! Just ignore the depression statistics, suicide rates, and general psychological collapse.
Real Results
According to the Institute for Biblical Outcomes and Very Selective Surveying™, 97% of conversion therapy graduates either:
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Say they’re straight now,
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Have disappeared into the woods, or
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Are “still working on it” with the help of group chanting and awkward side-hugs.
That’s a miracle, folks.
Let’s Ban the Ban
Despite its many “successes,” liberal states keep banning conversion therapy. They claim it’s cruel to force kids into traumatic pseudoscientific programs that tell them they’re broken. But that’s only because they don’t understand tough love — the kind where you break someone’s spirit in order to build a straight person from the wreckage.
Conclusion:
Conversion therapy is a resounding success — if your goal is to create confused, repressed adults who flinch when asked about their high school years. And isn’t that what we’ve always wanted?
This article was sponsored by Straight & Narrow Ministries: “If You’re Not Crying, You’re Not Converting.”
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