By Cletus J. Hoggins, MAGA Pundit, Part-Time Constitutional Scholar, Full-Time Patriot
Listen up, America. While the woke mob is out here canceling Mr. Potato Head and trying to teach your kids that FDR wasn’t a socialist, I’ve been cooking up the solution to all our nation’s problems from the comfort of my garage studio, right between my "Let’s Go Brandon" banner and my life-size cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan.
And the answer is one beautiful, brilliant word: TARIFFS.
That’s right. Tariffs are basically free money for the United States. Foreigners send us their junk, we slap a fee on it, and we keep the cash. It’s like robbing a burglar and then invoicing him for the inconvenience.
Let’s break this down for the soy-brained economists and liberal “experts” who think the Federal Reserve isn’t just a deep state ATM. When we import a microwave from China, we put a 25% tariff on it. Who pays it? China, obviously. They send us the microwave and a check. That’s just how tariffs work. Don’t believe me? I read it on Truth Social.
Now let’s scale this operation up. Imagine putting tariffs on everything—steel, semiconductors, avocados, Swedish furniture with names like “Flürkenjöbb”—and boom: we're sitting on a mountain of foreign cash. That mountain? It’s called Mount MAGA.
With all that money, we can finally pay off the national debt. That $34 trillion? Chump change. A few tariffs on electric scooters and imported hummus, and we’re rolling in it. It’s like God handed us a fiscal cheat code, and only real Americans are smart enough to use it.
And here’s the best part: with all that extra revenue pouring in from places like China, Mexico, and probably Denmark (they look suspicious), we can finally give our brave job creators the tax relief they’ve been begging for. You know, the billionaires—those heroic small business owners who keep the economy running from their offshore accounts.
Why should someone with seven yachts and four private equity firms have to pay more than a barista who majored in gender studies? Tariffs fix that. Tariffs liberate the rich from the oppressive burden of paying for roads, bridges, and schools they don’t use.
Now the liberal elite will whine:
“But tariffs raise prices on American consumers!”
Well maybe if Americans didn’t want to pay more for freedom, they should’ve thought twice before shopping at Costco for foreign-made lightbulbs. Real patriots know that inflation is just freedom getting more expensive.
In conclusion, tariffs are the ultimate Trump card—pun fully intended. They’re the golden goose that lays stars-and-stripes-colored eggs. So let’s double down, slap tariffs on everything that moves, and tell the IRS to take a hike.
Because if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that math, like facts, has a liberal bias—and tariffs don’t.
God bless America. God bless tariffs. And God bless our debt-free, tax-cutting future funded entirely by French wine and Japanese video games.
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