Texas Bans Sharia Law (Again), Just to Be Sure

By Patriot McFreedom, Staff Writer for The Lone Star Sentinel

AUSTIN, TX — In a bold move to protect its citizens from an ever-looming threat that exists mainly in the minds of certain talk radio hosts, the Texas legislature has voted—unanimously and for the seventh time in twelve years—to ban Sharia Law.

“Even though Sharia Law has never been practiced in Texas, and there’s no indication that it ever will be, we wanted to send a strong message to radical hypothetical scenarios,” said State Senator Buck Godspeed (R-Horsepower County), the bill’s author. “This is about freedom. Specifically, the freedom to ban things we don’t understand.”

The bill, titled the God, Guns, and Good Old Common Law Act, will prohibit courts in Texas from referencing, implementing, or even pronouncing anything that “sounds foreign or scary.” A special appendix also bans hummus from courthouse cafeterias “just in case.”

Governor Greg Abbott held a signing ceremony at a BBQ joint outside Waco, where he scrawled his name onto the bill with a pen carved from antler. “Texas will not be ruled by any law other than our own,” Abbott proclaimed. “Except maybe the Ten Commandments, which we are currently working to staple to every public school hallway.”

When asked to define Sharia Law, most lawmakers were refreshingly honest. “I think it’s a kind of fabric?” offered Representative Tammy Sue Pillbox (R-Fear County). “Like chiffon, but with more jihad?”

Critics argue that the bill is legally redundant, as U.S. and Texas courts already operate under, well, U.S. and Texas law. But supporters insist it’s a necessary precaution. “You never know when a rogue imam might try to force you into a burqa during a tailgate,” warned local militia leader and part-time chiropractor Rex “Tex” Hammersmith.

Meanwhile, the Muslim community in Texas—which comprises approximately 1.2% of the population—responded with a collective sigh. “We’re just trying to get through airport security like everyone else,” said Noura Mahmoud, a Houston software engineer. “We don’t have time to impose religious law. We barely have time for laundry.”

In a companion resolution, Texas lawmakers are also considering banning witchcraft, smallpox, and communism—again.

“We must stay vigilant,” said Senator Godspeed. “Because if we don’t outlaw nonexistent threats, who will?”

UPDATE: Texas lawmakers have reportedly launched an investigation into whether yoga pants are a covert tool of Sharia influence. A bipartisan committee will meet Thursday at the Bass Pro Shop to discuss findings.