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The Big Beautiful Bill: How to Increase the Debt Ceiling by $5 Trillion and Still Claim You’re Reducing the Deficit

By Spinny McNarrative, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Fiscal Gaslighting

In what economists are calling “a masterclass in fiscal illusion,” President Trump and his loyal team of budget sorcerers have unveiled the Big Beautiful Bill™, a piece of legislation so bold, so visionary, so unburdened by math, that it managed to increase the debt ceiling by $5 trillion—while simultaneously “reducing” the deficit.

Yes, you heard that right. Like a magician pulling a bald eagle out of a golden hat, Trump has redefined arithmetic itself.

💰 The Debt Ceiling: Now With Skylights

The bill officially raised the debt ceiling by $5 trillion, a figure so large it had to be written in bold Comic Sans to get through Congress. But according to Treasury Secretary-turned-podium-prop Larry “Trust Me” Goldstein, this isn’t “spending”—it’s just “strategic future flexibility for American greatness.”

As Trump explained in a press conference held at the base of a bronze statue of himself holding the Constitution upside down:

“Raising the debt ceiling is not the same as debt, folks. It’s like a credit card limit. We’re not buying things—we’re just saying we could, if we wanted to. And maybe we should. But we won’t. Probably.”

📉 Deficit "Reduction": A Masterpiece of Redefinition

While most Americans assumed “deficit reduction” meant spending less or taxing more, Trump’s team took a more creative approach.

Here’s how they did it:

  • Step 1: Slash Medicaid, food stamps, public education, and Meals on Wheels.
    (“Because if poor people eat less, they weigh less, and that’s a public health win.”)

  • Step 2: Cut taxes for billionaires, oil companies, and anyone who’s ever been invited to Davos.
    (“The more we give them, the more they might trickle.”)

  • Step 3: Add a footnote saying “deficit reduction” refers to "projected spending reductions in a parallel universe where everything goes right and nothing is audited.”*

  • Step 4: Hire a guy from Trump University to certify the math.

As Budget Director Kellyanne Mathspin noted:

“We’ve used alternative accounting. Some call it fiction. We call it freedom.”

🏦 But Where’s the Money Going?

To calm critics, the White House released a partial list of essential new expenditures:

  • $2 billion for a Border Wall Extension, now vertical—into space.

  • $500 million for “Patriotic Reality Show Development,” starring Eric Trump and Kid Rock.

  • $1.2 trillion for a “Strategic Gold Leaf Reserve” in case of aesthetic emergencies.

  • $47 million for a commemorative coin featuring Trump riding a bald eagle over Mount Rushmore shouting “I lowered the deficit!”

🧠 America Reacts: “Sure, Why Not?”

Polling shows that 46% of Americans believe the deficit has been reduced, even if they’re not sure what a deficit is. When asked to define it, most responded with variations of:

  • “It’s like debt, but... less guilty?”

  • “Didn’t we beat that in WWII?”

  • “Whatever Trump says it is.”

📊 Final Score: Reality 0 – Rhetoric 5 Trillion

Thanks to the Big Beautiful Bill, the U.S. now enjoys the largest debt ceiling in human history, and simultaneously the lowest trust in federal math since the Reaganomics Dungeons & Dragons budget scenario.

Trump has promised that in his next term, he’ll eliminate the deficit altogether by abolishing the Congressional Budget Office and replacing it with a vibe check.

As he declared at a recent rally:

“We will make deficits so low, you won’t even believe they exist. In fact, they might not. Who’s to say? The fake news won’t tell you this.”

Coming next week: How cutting taxes on yachts will eliminate homelessness, and why the Big Beautiful Bill is being taught in schools as both economics and mythology.

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