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Trump Declares America a Christian Nation, Founding Deists Politely Ask, “Bro, What?”

By Liberty Belle, Religion Correspondent for the Ministry of Unholy Irony

In a rousing speech delivered from the steps of a Chick-fil-A converted into a campaign headquarters, President Donald J. Trump declared with full conviction—and half a Bible upside down—that “America was founded as a proud Christian nation, by good Christian men, who definitely never wore powdered wigs or read Enlightenment philosophy.”

The announcement was part of his new “Faith Over Facts” initiative, designed to replace pesky historical nuance with a warm, golden blanket of patriotic mythology and New Testament cosplay.

✝️ Founders? More Like Founding Fathers of Evangelism

Trump cited the likes of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ben Franklin as “hardcore believers in the Holy Word,” adding:

“They loved the Bible, folks. Big fans. Jefferson even wrote his own version—took out all the bad parts. That’s what we’re doing now with the Constitution!”

Historians were quick to point out that many Founding Fathers were Deists, a term Trump’s team immediately dismissed as “Deep State slang for Christian but with a fancy French twist.”

In response, Press Secretary Tucker McLiberty clarified:

“Look, when Jefferson said ‘separation of church and state,’ he clearly meant separating other people’s churches from our state.”

🧠 Enlightenment Thinkers, Now Retroactively Born-Again

To reinforce the President’s vision, the Department of Historical Rebranding released a new curriculum called “God, Guns, and the General Welfare”, which includes:

  • A chapter titled “Jesus and the Articles of Confederation: A Love Story”

  • Artistic renderings of Ben Franklin being baptized in a Cracker Barrel

  • And a new national motto: “In Trump We Trust (With Occasional Help from God)”

Jefferson’s infamous Jefferson Bible, in which he literally cut out all of Jesus’ miracles and divinity, has now been reissued with new commentary by Pastor Joe Rogan and footnotes in MAGA font.

📜 Constitution Revisions in Progress

Trump’s team has also proposed amending the First Amendment to remove “freedom of religion” and replace it with “freedom to enforce Christian values—preferably Southern Baptist, but open to bids.”

During a campaign rally, Trump clarified:

“Freedom of religion was never about all religions. That’s fake news. It’s about Christian religion, like Jesus wanted when he signed the Constitution in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.”

When a reporter reminded him that Jesus was, in fact, Jewish, Trump replied:

“Only temporarily. That’s what Easter fixed.”

🔮 Coming Soon: Christian Infrastructure

As part of the president’s 2025 initiative, all public libraries will be replaced with megachurches, the IRS will now accept tithe receipts as tax filings, and the White House will be renamed The Big House of the Lord.

Meanwhile, the Supreme Court is expected to rule on whether non-Christians count as “originalists.” Rumors suggest the court may reinterpret the phrase “We the People” as “We the Chosen Few, Plus Mike Pence.”

🙏 Final Thoughts

When asked about religious freedom, Trump supporters waved Bibles and shouted, “Religious freedom means we’re free to make you religious!” Critics, meanwhile, clung to the radical belief that maybe—just maybe—the Founding Fathers didn’t want a king or a pastor-in-chief.

But in Trump’s America, facts are flexible, Deists are posthumously baptized, and the Sermon on the Mount has been reimagined as a campaign rally in Alabama.

God bless, and God help us.

Next Week:
"Trump Discovers the Ten Commandments, Demands an Eleventh: Thou Shalt Not Fact-Check Me.”

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