Skip to main content

Trump Declares America a Christian Nation, Founding Deists Politely Ask, “Bro, What?”

By Liberty Belle, Religion Correspondent for the Ministry of Unholy Irony

In a rousing speech delivered from the steps of a Chick-fil-A converted into a campaign headquarters, President Donald J. Trump declared with full conviction—and half a Bible upside down—that “America was founded as a proud Christian nation, by good Christian men, who definitely never wore powdered wigs or read Enlightenment philosophy.”

The announcement was part of his new “Faith Over Facts” initiative, designed to replace pesky historical nuance with a warm, golden blanket of patriotic mythology and New Testament cosplay.

✝️ Founders? More Like Founding Fathers of Evangelism

Trump cited the likes of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Ben Franklin as “hardcore believers in the Holy Word,” adding:

“They loved the Bible, folks. Big fans. Jefferson even wrote his own version—took out all the bad parts. That’s what we’re doing now with the Constitution!”

Historians were quick to point out that many Founding Fathers were Deists, a term Trump’s team immediately dismissed as “Deep State slang for Christian but with a fancy French twist.”

In response, Press Secretary Tucker McLiberty clarified:

“Look, when Jefferson said ‘separation of church and state,’ he clearly meant separating other people’s churches from our state.”

🧠 Enlightenment Thinkers, Now Retroactively Born-Again

To reinforce the President’s vision, the Department of Historical Rebranding released a new curriculum called “God, Guns, and the General Welfare”, which includes:

  • A chapter titled “Jesus and the Articles of Confederation: A Love Story”

  • Artistic renderings of Ben Franklin being baptized in a Cracker Barrel

  • And a new national motto: “In Trump We Trust (With Occasional Help from God)”

Jefferson’s infamous Jefferson Bible, in which he literally cut out all of Jesus’ miracles and divinity, has now been reissued with new commentary by Pastor Joe Rogan and footnotes in MAGA font.

📜 Constitution Revisions in Progress

Trump’s team has also proposed amending the First Amendment to remove “freedom of religion” and replace it with “freedom to enforce Christian values—preferably Southern Baptist, but open to bids.”

During a campaign rally, Trump clarified:

“Freedom of religion was never about all religions. That’s fake news. It’s about Christian religion, like Jesus wanted when he signed the Constitution in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.”

When a reporter reminded him that Jesus was, in fact, Jewish, Trump replied:

“Only temporarily. That’s what Easter fixed.”

🔮 Coming Soon: Christian Infrastructure

As part of the president’s 2025 initiative, all public libraries will be replaced with megachurches, the IRS will now accept tithe receipts as tax filings, and the White House will be renamed The Big House of the Lord.

Meanwhile, the Supreme Court is expected to rule on whether non-Christians count as “originalists.” Rumors suggest the court may reinterpret the phrase “We the People” as “We the Chosen Few, Plus Mike Pence.”

🙏 Final Thoughts

When asked about religious freedom, Trump supporters waved Bibles and shouted, “Religious freedom means we’re free to make you religious!” Critics, meanwhile, clung to the radical belief that maybe—just maybe—the Founding Fathers didn’t want a king or a pastor-in-chief.

But in Trump’s America, facts are flexible, Deists are posthumously baptized, and the Sermon on the Mount has been reimagined as a campaign rally in Alabama.

God bless, and God help us.

Next Week:
"Trump Discovers the Ten Commandments, Demands an Eleventh: Thou Shalt Not Fact-Check Me.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump Unveils Bold New Healthcare Vision: Trumpcare, Which Is Totally Different From Obamacare Except for the Parts That Are the Same

In a dazzling Rose Garden announcement complete with golden bunting, a fog machine, and a choir humming “Hail to the Chief” in a minor key, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he called “the most spectacular, most terrific, most everybody-is-saying-so healthcare plan in American history.” He dubbed it Trumpcare™ —a revolutionary system in which the federal government will give money directly to people so that they can better afford their own healthcare. “Folks, it’s simple,” Trump proclaimed, flanked by several cardboard cutouts of himself in a lab coat. “Under Trumpcare, instead of the government being involved—terrible idea, horrible—we’re going to give people money so they can pay for their healthcare. Total freedom. The best freedom.” The audience applauded, though several appeared to be staffers who had been instructed to clap every time Trump paused to breathe. A Reporter Dares to Ask During the Q&A portion—limited to 30 seconds and only reporters who had pre-approved ...
Post a Comment
Read more