Tulsi Gabbard Drops Bombshell Obama Files, Conservatives Suffer Sudden Amnesia About Everything She Ever Said Before

By Rex Tarnation, Senior Editor, American Grievance Digest

Washington, D.C. — In a stunning twist that would make even QAnon say “wait, what?” Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard (Independent-Contrarian) held a press conference today where she unveiled what she called the “Obama Files”—a trove of top-secret documents allegedly showing that Barack Obama once... read a book in French, owned three bicycles made in China, and once whistled the Iranian national anthem under his breath while eating arugula.

Naturally, conservatives across the country erupted in celebration. Rep. Jim Jordan immediately tore off his jacket in patriotic ecstasy. Fox News changed its chyron to read “BREAKING: OBAMA PROBABLY COMMITTED TREASON IN 2016, TULSI GABBARD SAVES THE REPUBLIC.”

Glenn Beck wept openly into a Constitution-shaped handkerchief.

Yet even as MAGA nation rallied behind their new hero, an uncomfortable truth lingered in the air like a fart in a Capitol Hill elevator: Tulsi Gabbard was, until recently, the same person who publicly claimed that Iran wasn’t developing nuclear weapons.

“Listen, we’re not here to dwell on ancient history,” said Sean Hannity, sporting a limited-edition Tulsi ‘28 hoodie. “So what if she once told us that Iran was totally peaceful and just enriching uranium for artisanal candles? That was a long, long time ago. Like, 2025. Who even remembers what happened then?”

Indeed, the conservative memory hole was working overtime. Gone were the days when Gabbard was accused of being an Assad apologist. Gone were the awkward interviews where she downplayed Iranian threats and called for diplomacy over B-2 bomber strikes. None of it mattered now. She had done the one thing that guaranteed total redemption in conservative circles:

She made Obama look bad.

And not just regular bad. She used phrases like “deep state complicity,” “constitutional betrayal,” and “arugula-enabled socialism.” At one point, she even held up a dry-cleaning receipt from 2010 that she claimed “clearly links Obama to a globalist sandwich cartel.”

Within hours, Trump himself weighed in on Truth Social:

“Tulsi Gabbard, VERY STRONG, very brave, unlike Ron DeSanctimonious. Always said she had potential. Some say Democrat, but I say GENIUS. I might have picked her as VP, but she didn’t tweet enough mean things about Rosie O’Donnell. SAD!”

As for critics who brought up her past statements about Iran, Syria, or literally anything else inconsistent with today’s Gabbard-Glory narrative?

“Fake news!” shouted Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, when asked if she still believed Gabbard once worked for Putin’s propaganda machine. “That was Deep State Tulsi. This is Patriot Tulsi. Different chakras.”

Meanwhile, liberals were left bewildered and furiously tweeting things like “Remember when she said the CIA was lying about Assad???” and “She LITERALLY went on Russian state media!” But it was no use. The conservative base had spoken.

Tulsi was reborn. A red-hatted phoenix rising from the ashes of her own past contradictions.

Asked if she was considering a run for president in 2028, Gabbard smiled serenely.

“I’m not thinking about that right now,” she said, while standing in front of a life-sized oil painting of herself riding a bald eagle over Benghazi.

But let’s be real. She’s thinking about it. And if she promises to drop more Obama files—and maybe throw in a couple on Hillary—she’ll be headlining CPAC by next week and guest-hosting for Tucker by Friday.

Because in modern conservatism, all is forgiven—if you’re willing to throw Barack Obama under the bus.

Even if the bus is electric.