Weaponized Justice for Me, Not for Thee: How the Trump Team is Saving America by Politicizing the DOJ Harder Than Ever

By Liberty Blinders, Correspondent for The Patriotically Persecuted Post

In a stunning act of courageous hypocrisy, the Trump 2029 administration has once again taken a bold stand against the politicization of the Department of Justice—by aggressively politicizing it themselves. “We had no choice,” said Attorney General Tucker Carlson, wearing a powdered wig made entirely of shredded Hillary Clinton emails. “We had to neutralize the Deep State by making the DOJ shallow and deeply loyal.”

Critics claim this reeks of double standards, but officials insist it’s simply equal and opposite retribution. “For four years, we screamed about Biden’s so-called ‘weaponized DOJ,’” explained Deputy Attorney General Kimberly Guilfoyle during her press briefing-slash-blood ritual. “Now we’re just taking that weapon and aiming it back—at librarians, scientists, and everyone who ever rolled their eyes at a Trump tweet.”

Upon taking office again, Trump immediately launched the "Department of Just Us," a brave new rebranding initiative designed to reflect its core function: shielding allies, jailing critics, and investigating Hunter Biden full-time until morale improves.

Some of the DOJ’s recent accomplishments include:

• Opening RICO investigations into late-night comedians for “inciting laughter at a president.”

• Sending FBI agents to raid Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden in search of critical race theory.

• Indicting Merrick Garland retroactively for failing to prosecute “the real criminals,” a list that currently includes George Soros, the cast of Hamilton, and democracy itself.

Asked if this behavior wasn’t a blatant abuse of federal power, DOJ spokesperson Sean Hannity (moonlighting) clarified: “Abuse is in the eye of the beholder. Under Biden, enforcing the law was tyranny. Under Trump, enforcing loyalty is liberty.”

Meanwhile, Trump has repeatedly tweeted (on his platform, TRUTHIER):

“I never politicized the DOJ. I just told them who to arrest. BIG DIFFERENCE! Also, Sleepy Joe indicts me, I indict him back. It’s called fairness. Many people are saying it.”

The administration has also introduced a revolutionary legal doctrine known as "retroactive innocence," which holds that if a Republican was accused of something, it’s automatically illegal to investigate it, and potentially treasonous to bring it up.

As for future plans, insiders report that Trump is considering merging the DOJ with the campaign’s PR team, creating a new mega-agency called the Department of Vindication. Its motto: “Justice Isn’t Blind—It’s Just Wearing a MAGA Hat.”

In conclusion, while critics wail about the authoritarian undertones, Trump loyalists are simply happy to see their favorite president doing what he does best: accusing others of crimes he's actively committing, then declaring himself the victim of the consequences he invented.

Because nothing says rule of law like, “Lock her up—unless it’s me.”