“Why Libtards Hate America, Explained Real Simple” Says Local MAGA Patriot With GED and YouTube Channel

By Chuck “Bald Eagle” Rawlins, Reporting for The Patriot Tattler

WAYCROSS, GEORGIA — Local MAGA scholar and self-proclaimed “Alpha Patriot” Randy J. Cletus took a break from polishing his AR-15 and re-watching Tucker reruns on VHS to finally explain to the world why liberals—excuse me, libtards—hate America so much.

“I’ll put it in real simple English,” Randy said, chewing a Slim Jim and adjusting his American flag do-rag. “Libtards hate freedom, Jesus, and gas-powered trucks. That’s it. That’s the trifecta. If it burns fossil fuel, quotes the Bible, or tastes like bacon, they’re against it.”

Randy, whose political education comes entirely from memes, gut feelings, and an uncle who once saw Joe Biden in a Cracker Barrel parking lot, believes liberals want to destroy America “because they’re jealous they weren’t born in the part of the country that matters—like Alabama.”

“Think about it,” Randy explained, using a 2007 Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative plate as a whiteboard. “Libtards want to take away our guns, our gas stoves, our plastic straws, and now they’re coming for our light bulbs! You ever try to drink sweet tea under a fluorescent bulb? That’s communist energy, right there.”

When asked what he means by “hate America,” Randy had a ready list:

• “They kneel during the anthem, instead of crying like real men.”

• “They care about facts. Real Americans go with vibes.”

• “They want healthcare for everyone—even people who don’t own boats.”

• “They think racism is real, but I’ve never seen it. And I’ve looked.”

• “They say climate change is a threat, but I’ve been breathing carbon dioxide my whole life and I turned out fine.”

At this point, Randy paused to cough for 47 seconds.

When pressed about whether liberals might just have a different vision for America rather than hating it outright, Randy scoffed. “Nah, if you want kids to learn actual history instead of just the parts where America wins wars and invents peanut butter, you’re basically Osama bin Obama.”

In Randy’s view, patriotism is simple: “You fly a flag the size of a mattress from your truck, yell ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ at Applebee’s, and threaten civil war at least twice a month. If you ain’t doing those, you’re probably Antifa.”

Randy is currently organizing a Freedom Convoy of two lawn tractors and a rascal scooter to protest the library's decision to host a drag queen story hour five towns away. “That’s how they get ya,” he warned. “First it’s pronouns, then it’s the fall of Rome.”

He concluded the interview by saluting a can of Bud Light from before the incident, and announcing, “I’m not saying liberals should be deported, but I hear Canada loves socialism.”

At press time, Randy was seen yelling at a rainbow in the sky, accusing it of trying to groom his grandkids.