Skip to main content

“Worse Than Stalin”: Local MAGA Fan Declares Fauci the Deadliest Man Alive (Right After Bill Gates and Hillary Clinton)

By Blayne Q. Dunning, Patriot Gazette Contributor and Full-Time Facebook Meme Archaeologist

TOPEKA, KANSAS — In a shocking exposé sure to rattle the foundations of scientific consensus and basic math, self-proclaimed truth seeker and part-time lawn care specialist Kyle “RedPillPatriot1776” Davidson took to X (formerly Twitter) this week to declare that Dr. Anthony Fauci is “the biggest mass murderer since Stalin,” citing “obvious facts” such as vaccinated people still getting colds and “the creepy way he wears his glasses.”

Kyle, who has not spoken to a licensed physician since 2007 when he got pinkeye from a Red Lobster, alleges that COVID-19 vaccines have caused more deaths than every war, famine, and tragic bounce house accident in human history—combined.

“Think about it,” Kyle posted from his Android phone with a bald eagle banner and a watermark from “FreedomEagle.Facts.biz.”
“Fauci made us wear masks, injected us with God knows what, and told us not to go to Applebee’s. That’s basically genocide.”

He later clarified that he meant “spiritual genocide,” which he defined as “when your soul dies from standing six feet apart in a Target.”

The Evidence: “My Uncle Said So”

Kyle’s conclusions are based on rigorous, peer-reviewed analysis conducted during a 3-hour YouTube deep dive while drinking Bud Light’s only competitor: pure rubbing alcohol. Sources include a guy who used to be a paramedic in 1983 and a meme with Fauci photoshopped onto a Soviet propaganda poster.

“The jab kills. The stats are just hidden by Big Pharma, Big Government, Big Bird, and Big Lots,” Kyle shouted while arranging expired hydroxychloroquine pills into the shape of a cross.

When Asked for a Death Toll Estimate

“Millions. Maybe billions. Could be all of us, if you count the souls,” said Kyle, while staring into the middle distance and eating uncooked hot dogs.

He went on to explain that Fauci personally invented the virus in a “Wuhan Chili’s” and delivered the first vial to America disguised as a flu shot in a Walgreens drive-thru. “He was wearing a disguise. I saw the footage. CNN deleted it. But it’s out there on PatriotNet if you know the right GIF password.”

Experts Respond

When reached for comment, actual epidemiologist Dr. Amanda Sykes sighed deeply and said, “I… I just can’t today.”

She then curled into a fetal position under her desk and softly whispered, “It’s been five years of this.”

Kyle’s Future Plans

Kyle plans to sue the CDC, the FDA, Dr. Fauci’s glasses, and every Walgreens within a 50-mile radius for “emotional trauma and scientific bullying.” He is also launching a new supplement line called “PatriotImmune™”, made from powdered deer antlers and Alex Jones’ sweat.

Final Thought
If history is written by the victors, then Kyle is busy etching conspiracy theories into the wall of his garage gym. In his eyes, Fauci isn’t just a public health official—he’s the new Stalin, Mao, and Skeletor wrapped into one 5'7" Italian man with a PhD and a penchant for science.

And to Kyle, that’s the real virus.

Stay tuned next week when Kyle explains how the moon landing was faked by Fauci to distract from the truth about gluten.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more