In what experts are calling “the most dangerous rebrand since Mr. Potato Head dropped his honorific,” Cracker Barrel has introduced a new logo—and America’s most vigilant culture warriors are already on high alert.
The design, which reportedly features a slightly rounder “C” and a warmer shade of gold, has been accused of containing “subliminal rainbow energy” by a coalition of Facebook groups with names like Real America for Real Breakfast Foods Only.
“They’re trying to sneak gayness in between the biscuits and gravy,” warned one concerned father who admitted he hadn’t actually seen the new logo yet but “just knew.” Another critic claimed the “swoop” in the lettering “definitely looks like a Pride parade float if you squint and tilt your head sideways.”
Meanwhile, a viral post insists the rocking chair hidden in the design is “a coded message that encourages children to sit down and think about whether they’re straight at all.”
Cracker Barrel has denied the allegations, insisting that the logo is meant only to evoke “comfort, tradition, and fried okra.” Still, conspiracy theorists remain unconvinced.
“If it was truly about tradition,” one commentator ranted on cable news, “they’d bring back the original logo—the one from 1969 when men were men, logos were masculine, and pancakes didn’t make you question your sexuality.”
In response, some parents are now boycotting Cracker Barrel and returning to IHOP, which they describe as “a safe space for traditional family values,” apparently forgetting the International House of Pancakes has been a longtime hotbed of syrupy decadence.
Critics warn this is only the beginning: “First they came for our logos. Next, they’ll replace Uncle Herschel’s Favorite with Uncle Harvey’s Fabulous.”
At press time, sales of rainbow suspenders in the Cracker Barrel gift shop had mysteriously skyrocketed.
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