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Dear Redistrictrix

Dear Redistrictrix,

I'm Gavin, but my friends call me “Slick Gav” (or they would if I had friends left after mandating low-flow showerheads). I’m reaching out with a hypothetical conundrum.

You see, I’m the governor of a state that’s so blue we make blueberries look like swing voters. But here's the thing — I’ve been watching what my counterparts in states like Texas and Florida are doing. They’re not just tilting the playing field, they’re repaving it entirely — in red. Gerrymandering like it’s a Jackson Pollock tribute in crimson.

Meanwhile, here in California, we’ve been all holier-than-thou with our “independent redistricting commissions” and “fair representation.” Ugh, I know — who thought transparency would be in fashion this long?

So here’s my question:
Is it finally time for me to embrace the dark arts of redistricting and carve this state up like it’s a gender-neutral Thanksgiving turkey? You know, just a few friendly tweaks to ensure Republicans in California are limited to holding office in the San Andreas Fault and the In-N-Out drive-thru line in Bakersfield.

I mean, if Texas can twist its map into the shape of a cowboy boot stepping on democracy, why can’t I draw Santa Monica as a congressional district shaped like Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s collar?

Sincerely,
Gavin “Just Asking Questions” Newsom
Governor of What’s Left of California

Dear Slick Gav,

Oh honey. You sweet, sun-kissed, hair-gelled ethical dilemma in a suit.

First of all, welcome! It’s adorable that you think gerrymandering is just now crossing your mind. Like catching COVID in 2023 and saying, “Whoa, this is new.”

Let’s be clear: Texas has turned gerrymandering into a contact sport, Florida turned it into a board game called Sorry, Democrats, and the Supreme Court now treats “fair maps” the way Elon Musk treats labor laws — as a suggestion for weaker minds.

So should you gerrymander? Morally? No. Politically? Also no. Strategically? Still no — because you already win everything. If you gerrymander any harder, you’ll have to invent new colors past blue. What’s next — ultraviolet districts?

And let’s be honest, you’d never survive the press conference. Picture it:

“Today we announce a bold new vision for equity, representation, and squeezing every last Republican into a congressional shoebox just east of Yucaipa.”

You’d trip over your own TED Talk.

Instead, lean into the high road, Gav. Let Texas keep painting district lines with Etch-a-Sketches and rage. Your karma (and your cheekbones) will thank you.

But if you must retaliate, I suggest something subtler:
Give all Republican districts mandatory high-speed rail stops.

With love and well-drawn lines,
Redistrictrix
(Bringing symmetry to satire since the Voting Rights Act died)

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