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FBI Raid on John Bolton’s House Definitely Not Weaponization of the Judiciary, Officials Assure Us

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely has nothing to do with politics, the FBI recently searched the home of former National Security Advisor and mustache aficionado John Bolton. According to officials, the search was “totally normal,” “by the book,” and in no way connected to the fact that Bolton is a Trump critic whose best-selling hobby is telling anyone with a microphone that the former president is unfit for office.

“This isn’t weaponization,” insisted one Justice Department spokesperson, polishing a battering ram. “We’d raid anyone’s home if they had the audacity to publish a tell-all book that embarrassed a sitting president. That’s just standard operating procedure.”

Critics suggested the raid was suspiciously timed, but the FBI clarified that it was merely coincidence. “Our schedule was open this week between searching Melania’s shoe closet and monitoring PTA meetings for terrorist activity,” explained an agent, noting that “Bolton’s house was on the way to Chick-fil-A.”

When asked what they were looking for, the FBI would not confirm whether it was classified documents, state secrets, or simply Bolton’s secret recipe for microwave Salisbury steak. “Can’t comment on an ongoing investigation,” one official said, while loading cartons of mustache wax into evidence bags.

Bolton himself remained calm, noting that as a lifelong Republican hawk, he was accustomed to surprise operations. “I once advocated bombing three countries before breakfast,” he said. “Frankly, I’m impressed the FBI showed such restraint by only raiding my kitchen.”

Meanwhile, defenders of the raid stressed that Americans should not see this as an attempt to intimidate critics of Trump. “Weaponization of the judiciary? Please,” scoffed one political analyst. “If the DOJ wanted to weaponize the system, they’d just subpoena his barber.”

At press time, Bolton’s mustache had reportedly filed its own lawsuit, citing “wrongful seizure and excessive grooming.”

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