In a development that shocked absolutely no one except maybe the three people who still think Newsmax is a “serious news outlet,” the network has quietly settled with Dominion Voting Systems over its coverage of the 2020 election. The settlement, rumored to be worth a sum slightly less than Fox’s “$787 million please-don’t-make-us-go-to-trial” payment, marks the latest chapter in what legal experts are calling “Operation: We Swear We’ll Check Facts Next Time, Maybe.”
Newsmax, long accused of treating facts like optional side dishes at an all-you-can-eat buffet, reportedly agreed to settle after realizing Dominion’s legal team had compiled 18 terabytes of “oopsies,” “well-actuallys,” and “our bads” from their broadcasts. One insider claimed executives only understood the gravity of the situation after a paralegal showed them a highlight reel of anchors confidently saying words like “algorithmic vote flipping” over stock footage of blinking lights and printer paper.
“Newsmax continues to stand by our impeccable journalistic integrity,” a spokesperson announced in a statement, before immediately being struck by lightning. “This settlement in no way implies guilt, culpability, or that we spent two years confusing conspiracy blogs with investigative reporting. We simply felt our energy would be better spent reminding viewers that Joe Biden is still sleepy.”
Critics, however, noted that Newsmax had not only pushed false narratives about Dominion’s machines but often managed to do so with the production value of a local car dealership ad. “If you’re going to destroy our reputation,” one Dominion lawyer said, “at least spring for a green screen that doesn’t flicker when Greg Kelly moves his hands.”
The settlement comes with one condition: Newsmax must issue an on-air clarification stating that Dominion’s voting machines did not, in fact, secretly funnel ballots to Hugo Chávez’s ghost, the Italian space lasers, or George Soros’s Wi-Fi router. Anchors reportedly plan to deliver the correction with the same enthusiasm most people reserve for apologizing to a parking meter.
Meanwhile, conservative viewers expressed mixed reactions. Some called the settlement a betrayal of “the cause,” while others simply changed the channel to OAN, where they were reassured that their lawsuits are still pending.
As for Dominion, the company is said to be “satisfied” with the outcome, having now won so many settlements that their office snack budget rivals the Pentagon’s. One employee allegedly popped champagne while muttering, “At this point, we should rename ourselves Dominion & Co., Attorneys at Law.”
When asked whether they’d learned any lessons from the ordeal, a Newsmax executive smiled nervously and replied, “Of course. Next time, we’ll say ‘allegedly’ a lot louder.”
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