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Patriot-in-Chief: Trump Wraps Himself in the Flag, Trips Over the Constitution

 Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump, America’s self-proclaimed “most patriotic man who’s ever lived,” has once again dazzled his followers by draping himself in the American flag like a sequined Vegas cape—while simultaneously signing another executive order that body-slams the U.S. Constitution into the nearest dumpster.

Trump, whose political philosophy can best be described as “Stars, Stripes, and Sharpies,” apparently believes the flag is not a symbol of a nation governed by laws but rather a decorative poncho he can wear while declaring himself Supreme Arbiter of All Things American.

“Look, nobody loves the Constitution more than me,” Trump said yesterday while straddling a life-size bald eagle statue and waving the flag like a rodeo clown on caffeine. “But the Constitution, frankly, is very overrated. Too many words, not enough pictures. The flag, though—beautiful flag—it’s like a big red, white, and blue hug from George Washington himself. That’s what America’s all about!”

Legal scholars, however, disagree. “The flag symbolizes the republic, which exists because of the Constitution,” said Professor Elena Marshall of Georgetown Law. “It’s literally the opposite of what he thinks. You can’t claim to love the flag while treating the rule of law like a clearance item at Trump Tower’s gift shop.”

Undeterred, Trump signed Executive Order #14,762, declaring that all future Supreme Court decisions must be “subject to immediate review by Trump personally, preferably on Truth Social, where he can rate them on a scale of ‘Perfect’ to ‘Total Witch Hunt.’”

His supporters cheered the move, many waving flags of their own. “He is the Constitution!” shouted one man, wearing a flag as pants. “If the Founding Fathers were alive today, they’d definitely be at Mar-a-Lago, drinking Diet Cokes and golfing with him!”

Meanwhile, the actual Constitution remained locked away in the National Archives, weeping quietly in its glass case. Rumor has it, if you press your ear close enough, you can hear it whisper: “This is not what I meant by ‘a more perfect Union.’”

In Trump’s America, the flag is no longer a symbol of liberty and law—it’s just a giant political Snuggie for a man who never read the instruction manual for democracy.

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