Patriotic History: The Only Kind Worth Teaching

History, as any responsible government will tell you, is not about the messy details of what actually happened. No, history is about making sure your nation looks like the protagonist in every possible scenario. After all, why should schoolchildren be burdened with uncomfortable facts when they could be learning how every decision ever made by their country was, in fact, benevolent, visionary, and just a little bit heroic?

Take, for example, the treatment of Native Americans. While some so-called “historians” will whine about land theft, forced relocation, and broken treaties, the true patriot knows this was simply a centuries-long wellness retreat. Think about it: the Trail of Tears wasn’t a forced march—it was an early version of an endurance fitness challenge, designed to build character and community! Reservations? Not imposed confinement—just government-sponsored Airbnbs with scenic views. And boarding schools? Clearly advanced cultural exchange programs, where children generously traded their languages and traditions for the infinitely superior gift of learning to say “Yes, ma’am” in English.

And this principle can apply everywhere. Colonization? That wasn’t exploitation—it was the world’s most ambitious charity project, bringing the priceless treasures of fork usage and awkward formal clothing to the masses. Slavery? Don’t be ridiculous—it was a comprehensive vocational training initiative, complete with free housing and hands-on experience in agriculture. Sure, the housing was technically a shack and the training was mandatory, but details like that only distract from the larger story: everyone benefited from the arrangement (especially the plantation owners, and aren’t they people too?).

Indeed, if we adopt this approach, the entire record of human history becomes one glorious parade of altruism. Every war becomes a peacekeeping mission, every invasion a neighborhood outreach program, and every act of cultural erasure a thoughtful spring cleaning of outdated traditions. After all, if history doesn’t make you feel warm, fuzzy, and proud, then what’s even the point of remembering it?

So let us proudly declare: from this day forward, textbooks shall contain no failures, no mistakes, and certainly no injustices—only the shining, selfless, perfect actions of a nation that has never, ever done anything wrong. Critics will call this “propaganda,” but we patriots know the truth: it’s simply history the way it was always meant to be told—correctly.