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President Trump Demands Huge White House Ballroom: "How Can I Save America Without a Dance Floor?"

August 8, 2025 | Washington, D.C.

In a move that has shocked no one and confused several historians, President Donald J. Trump today announced plans to construct a "truly magnificent, world-class, unbelievably luxurious ballroom" on the South Lawn of the White House.

"It's going to be the biggest, most elegant ballroom you've ever seen," Trump declared at a press conference held from the Rose Garden, flanked by gold-plated easels displaying artist renderings that bore a suspicious resemblance to Mar-a-Lago. "Frankly, the White House is very nice, very historic — but let’s be honest, folks, it's lacking in pizzazz. Obama left it so boring, you wouldn’t believe."

The proposed “Trump National Ballroom of Freedom and Tremendous Patriotism” will reportedly include:

  • Crystal chandeliers modeled after Trump Tower toilets

  • A gold-tiled dance floor that doubles as a Fox News broadcasting set

  • Ivanka-branded “Freedom Couches” made of imported bald eagle-feather fabric

  • A MAGA-only VIP section with velvet rope and no minorities

Critics have questioned the necessity of such a structure, given that the White House already contains several spaces for entertaining dignitaries. But Trump was quick to dismiss this "fake news logic."

"You don't understand — this isn’t just a ballroom," Trump explained. "It’s where we’ll hold press briefings, nuclear strategy sessions, and also — very important — my post-rally conga line. It’s multi-use, okay? It's what the Founding Fathers would've wanted. George Washington loved to party — people don't talk about that."

According to leaked plans from the General Services Administration, the ballroom is expected to cost $200 million, with half of that budget dedicated to a retractable ceiling that displays Trump’s 2024 electoral map in gold lights.

When asked who would pay for it, Trump smiled confidently. “Mexico will pay for it,” he said, before winking. “Kidding. We’re using emergency defense funds, because honestly, what’s more threatening to America than a president without a proper ballroom? Maybe windmills, but that's a close second.”

Republicans praised the idea, calling it “visionary” and “long overdue.”

“FDR had fireside chats, JFK had Camelot, and now Trump will have the Boogie Down of Democracy,” said Senator Josh Hawley while holding a martini shaker and practicing his cha-cha.

Meanwhile, Democrats introduced emergency legislation to block construction, calling it a “disgraceful misuse of taxpayer dollars” and “a glorified ego monument with a fog machine.”

In response, Trump posted on Truth Social:

"Ballroom will be a YUGE success. Sleepy Joe only danced with inflation. I dance with AMERICA! 💃🕺 #BallroomOfVictory"

Construction is slated to begin this fall, with a ribbon-cutting ceremony on January 6th, which Trump now refers to as “America’s Real Independence Day.” Melania is reportedly designing the curtains.

No word yet on whether the ballroom will include a DJ booth, but sources close to the president say Trump has already called Kid Rock.

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