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Public Service Announcement: From the Desk of President Donald J. Trump

The screen fades in. The presidential seal spins, then awkwardly wobbles off frame. Trump appears behind the Resolute Desk, looking unusually somber, a Diet Coke within arm’s reach.

Trump:
“Hello, America. It’s me, your favorite president—better than Lincoln, better than Washington, the best. And today, I’m here to talk about something very personal. The fake news won’t tell you this, the deep state tried to hide it, but I’m a truth-teller. And the truth is—” dramatic pause “—I have a micro penis. The smallest. People say they’ve never seen one this small. Very unusual. Very special. Like a collector’s item. You’d be lucky to have one like this.”

He leans forward, clasping his hands like he’s about to sell America a timeshare.

Trump:
“It’s affected all areas of my life. Golf? Disaster. Can’t wear certain pants. Once at a rally, the wind blew and—look, we don’t need to get into that. But in my personal life, it’s been a real challenge. Sometimes, when I… let’s say, interacted with women—and you know me, I’m a hugger, a kisser, a… grabber—well, instead of reporting me, they’d just laugh. Not a nice laugh, folks. A cruel laugh. The kind that says, ‘Wow, this guy runs the country and that’s all he’s working with?’”

He sighs dramatically, as if he’s just solved Middle East peace.

Trump:
“Now, the dishonest media says I’ve been accused by 28 women. FAKE NEWS! Okay, maybe it’s more. Because c’mon—do you really think I only did it to those 28 who came forward? Folks, I’m a man of action. Tremendous action. But sometimes, that action got met with uncontrollable laughter. They laughed so hard, one woman fell off a fainting couch. Another called her friend right there. Disgraceful. Very rude.”

He picks up the Diet Coke, takes a sip, then points at the camera.

Trump:
“So this is a public service announcement: if you’re out there, and you too are dealing with micro issues, don’t be ashamed. Own it. Brag about it. Tell everyone it’s the best micro penis, the most luxurious, the most presidential. And if people laugh—remember—they laughed at me. And look where I am. The White House! Again!”

The screen fades to black. White text appears: “Paid for by The Committee for Making America Small Again.”

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