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Zelensky’s T-Shirt Diplomacy Sends Vance into Historic Meltdown at the White House

Washington, D.C. — President Volodymyr Zelensky arrived at the White House today for high-stakes negotiations with President Donald J. Trump wearing his now-iconic olive-green tee shirt. While the fashion choice has become his trademark wartime look, it caused Vice President J.D. Vance to erupt into what observers are calling “the loudest display of Midwestern passive-aggression since someone double-dipped at an Ohio potluck.”

“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Vance shouted, slamming his fist on the gilded coffee table Trump had recently renamed the “Resolute but Also Really Classy and Gold Table.” “You come into THIS White House, dressed like THAT, after President Trump went all the way to Alaska to beg Putin for a cease-fire on your behalf? UNGRATEFUL. Absolutely ungrateful!”

Trump, sitting beneath a newly-installed portrait of himself shirtless on a horse, tried to calm his running mate. “J.D., relax. I like the tee shirt. It’s very casual Friday. I wish NATO had more guys in tee shirts, very relatable look, reminds me of when I went to WrestleMania. Tremendous event, very high ratings.”

Zelensky, visibly tired from months of war but still managing to look bemused, responded dryly: “Mr. Trump, I did not know there was a dress code for surrender talks.”

The room fell silent—until Vance let out a gasp so long and so indignant that Secret Service agents reportedly mistook it for a fire alarm. “SURRENDER TALKS?!” Vance shouted. “President Trump is not here to make Ukraine win, he’s here to make Ukraine… appreciate his sacrifices while you lose with dignity!”

Trump then nodded proudly. “That’s right. It’s called the Art of the Deal. Everyone says I should win a Nobel Peace Prize for this—except the fake news. We’re working on the best surrender in history, folks. Beautiful terms. Ukraine gives up, Russia wins, and America doesn’t have to pretend to care anymore. Everybody’s happy!”

According to witnesses, Zelensky muttered under his breath in Ukrainian something roughly translating to: “I should’ve worn a suit. At least then he’d blame me for bankrupting a casino instead.”

The press corps tried to ask questions, but Vance continued his tirade. “This man doesn’t even THANK President Trump for arranging his honorable defeat! Instead, he shows up in a t-shirt, like he’s about to move a couch or mow the lawn. Sir, have you no gratitude?”

Trump finally wrapped up the session by declaring, “It’s fine. Look, we all know Zelensky owes me big—huge!—for letting him come here at all. But it’s okay. When Ukraine officially surrenders, I’ll invite him back. And maybe next time, J.D., we can get him a nice Trump polo shirt. With the logo. Very classy.”

Negotiations are scheduled to resume tomorrow, assuming Vice President Vance has calmed down enough to stop hyperventilating into the “Deplorable Stronger Than Ever” souvenir paper bag handed out at last week’s rally.

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