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Advice Column: “Ask Aunt Liberty”

 Letter from a Reader:

Dear Aunt Liberty,
I am the first president in 150 years not to have a dog. My advisors tell me the voters would like me more — very bigly, the biggest like ever — if I had one. The problem is that in the past I have liked dogs, especially the young ones, a little too much if you know what I mean. I don’t want to get caught with my pants down. One of those nasty journalists might start calling me a pup-a-phile. What should I do?

— Dogless in D.C.

Aunt Liberty Responds:

Dear Dogless,

First, congratulations on maintaining a canine-free presidency — a feat not seen since Andrew Johnson, who also lacked a dog and, coincidentally, an impeachment acquittal worth bragging about.

Now, to your concern. I understand you want a furry friend to boost your approval ratings. Dogs are loyal, affectionate, and often more coherent in press conferences than their owners. However, your… let’s call it “history of over-enthusiasm” raises a few red flags, not unlike the ones waved at your rallies.

Here’s my advice:

  1. Consider a goldfish. Voters can’t resist a pet, and a goldfish won’t end up testifying before Congress. The only scandal you’ll face is overfeeding.

  2. Try a stuffed animal. A plush golden retriever staged strategically in photo-ops will melt hearts without requiring walks, kibble, or FBI investigations. Bonus: it won’t leak to the press.

  3. Outsource the dog. Borrow one from a supporter for campaign stops. Nothing says “man of the people” like petting someone else’s pooch before hopping back on the jet.

  4. Lean into your brand. If journalists start calling you a “pup-a-phile,” simply rebrand it. Sell red hats with the slogan: Paws America Great Again. Your base will eat it up, even if the dog doesn’t.

In short: yes, a dog could humanize you. But unless you can resist turning “fetch” into a federal investigation, I’d stick with the fish. Remember: the only thing worse than being caught dogless is being caught dog-full.

Sincerely,
Aunt Liberty

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