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Bureau of Labor Statistics Opens Job Posting for New Commissioner After Bad Jobs Report Tanks Previous One

 Washington, D.C. — The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) announced today that it is officially seeking a new commissioner, after August’s jobs report showed fewer gains than expected and promptly cost the current commissioner their job. Ironically, the firing improved the unemployment numbers by exactly one.

“The August report was too gloomy,” said one White House insider, clutching a freshly printed résumé. “We simply can’t have a BLS commissioner who insists on reporting statistics. The American people want vibes, not numbers.”

According to sources, the outgoing commissioner’s fatal error was pointing out that job growth had slowed in sectors like retail and manufacturing. “We were hoping for something more optimistic,” said another official. “Like, maybe emphasize how fewer layoffs in the llama-grooming industry demonstrate resilience in the gig economy. That sort of creativity.”

The Bureau has already posted the vacancy online. Qualifications for the role now include:

  • Ability to turn catastrophic data into a “solid beat” suitable for campaign rallies.

  • Experience spinning charts into inspirational TikToks.

  • Strong proficiency in Excel, Photoshop, and gaslighting.

Applicants are warned, however, that the role carries a high risk of turnover. “We’ve gone through more commissioners than a revolving door at a Vegas casino,” said one weary staffer. “One bad jobs report, and boom—you’re the jobs report.”

To ensure future success, the administration is considering automating the role entirely. Under the proposed system, the new “AI Commissioner” would automatically replace the words “sluggish growth” with “robust resilience” and “rising unemployment” with “historic freedom from wage slavery.”

Meanwhile, economists are already bracing for September’s report. If numbers continue to disappoint, sources say the government may abandon statistics altogether and simply announce employment figures based on how many people show up to watch the President’s press conferences.

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