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“Deportations Boosted the Job Market—Just Not for the Jobs We Count”

Conservative pundits this week assured the American public that the grim jobs report—showing sluggish hiring and rising unemployment—was actually good news, proof that their deportation policies are working exactly as intended.

“Look, if we kick out illegals, there are fewer people to take jobs,” explained one commentator on Patriot News Now. “So when the jobs disappear, that’s just the economy adjusting. It’s not a failure—it’s supply and demand!”

Pressed on why the latest labor statistics showed fewer opportunities for American workers, a Republican lawmaker clarified: “The jobs are out there. They’re just the good kind now—patriotic, hard-to-measure, under-the-table opportunities like mowing your neighbor’s lawn for free or sitting on hold with Comcast for hours instead of someone in another country doing it.”

Economists were puzzled by the data, but conservatives had ready explanations:

  1. Blame the Deep State: “The Bureau of Labor Statistics is probably run by illegals anyway. You think those spreadsheets just fill themselves out? Fake jobs numbers, folks.”
  2. The Hidden Boom: “You can’t measure the economic productivity of American grit, prayer, and family values. Those are the real jobs.”
  3. Liberals Ruined It: “If Democrats hadn’t raised the minimum wage in some places, Americans would be lining up to pick strawberries for $2 an hour just like we predicted.”

Meanwhile, rural towns reported a shortage of farm workers, construction laborers, and service staff. “This is perfect,” said one anti-immigration activist. “Now Americans will step up and reclaim their birthright to toil in 110-degree fields. Any day now. Just wait.”

When asked why those jobs remain unfilled, he adjusted his American flag lapel pin and replied: “Well, you can’t expect Americans to do every job. That’s socialism.”

In summary, conservatives have found the silver lining: if Americans aren’t working, it’s because deportations worked so well they eliminated jobs entirely. “Mission accomplished,” one pundit cheered. “No illegals, no problem. And sure, no jobs either—but at least we’re unemployed in English.”

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