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FCC to Network: “Nice Broadcast You’ve Got There. Shame if Something Happened to It.”

In a shocking display of commitment to free speech, the Federal Communications Commission announced yesterday that it may revoke the broadcasting license of a major television network after a comedian made a joke that bruised the feelings of several Very Important People in Washington.

The FCC Commissioner, standing in front of an American flag the size of Rhode Island, declared:

“We are a government that treasures free speech. That’s why, if anyone says something we don’t like, we will crush them with the full weight of our regulatory power. It’s called responsible freedom.”

The network in question had aired a late-night monologue in which the comedian suggested that politicians might be more interested in campaign donors than in ordinary citizens. This shocking claim — which was obviously meant as a joke — was immediately classified as “a national security risk.”

Free speech advocates pointed out the irony, noting that the same administration has repeatedly claimed to be “the most pro–First Amendment administration in history.” When asked about this apparent contradiction, the Commissioner responded with a straight face:

“We are absolutely pro free speech. People are free to say anything they want, as long as it’s something we want to hear. Isn’t that what the Founding Fathers intended?”

Legal scholars are already bracing for the new precedent. Constitutional expert Dr. Ima Mock explained:

“Apparently, the First Amendment now comes with an asterisk — some restrictions apply, void where humor is directed at powerful people.”

Meanwhile, the network is reportedly considering self-censorship to avoid losing its license. The new programming schedule includes 24-hour coverage of sunsets, inspirational kitten videos, and an entire series called Compliments for Politicians: The Show.

As one anonymous FCC staffer whispered on the condition of anonymity:

“We’d silence the comedian directly, but that would look bad. So instead, we’ll just threaten to destroy an entire network for letting him talk. Totally different. Totally free speech.”

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