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Higher Education, Higher Indoctrination: The One-Semester Assassin

In the latest panic headline for cable news, pundits are abuzz over the alleged “Charlie Kirk assassin,” who, according to reports, managed to attend one whole semester of university before emerging fully programmed as a political Terminator.

Never mind the 22 years this young man spent at home with his parents. Apparently, bedtime stories, Sunday sermons, and family dinners can’t compete with the devastating brainwashing power of Intro to Sociology and a couple of vegan burritos at the student union.

The Magical Semester

According to critics, universities now function less like centers of learning and more like Hogwarts for political radicalization. The Sorting Hat doesn’t assign you a dormitory; it assigns you a Twitter rage cycle. One minute you’re nervously picking electives, the next you’re calculating how to overthrow the republic between midterms and finals.

“College is clearly too dangerous,” said one think-tank analyst. “We send our children there to learn accounting, but they come back quoting Foucault and thinking about overthrowing the bourgeoisie. It’s practically witchcraft.”

Parents: 22 Years of Failure

Meanwhile, questions abound: If parents had over two decades to “instill values,” why did their influence crumble in just 16 weeks of freshman orientation and bad dorm food?

“Didn’t you teach him anything at home?” reporters asked the bewildered parents.
“We tried,” they replied, “but we just couldn’t compete with the hypnotic power of a PowerPoint on climate change and a 3 a.m. dorm debate about capitalism.”

The Real Lesson

The absurdity, of course, is the idea that a single semester at university could transform anyone into a robotic assassin, as if professors wield Jedi mind tricks instead of dry lectures and long reading lists nobody finishes. The bigger story isn’t how fast universities can “brainwash” people—it’s how quickly we reach for conspiracy theories instead of grappling with the messy, human reasons people become violent.

But that wouldn’t make as exciting a headline.

Closing Bell

So the next time you hear someone claim universities are “turning kids into killers” in a matter of weeks, remember: these same institutions can’t even get students to read the syllabus. If higher education really held such terrifying power, every 19-year-old would be on time to class, debt-free, and fluent in three languages.

Instead, most of them are just broke, tired, and trying to pass Statistics 101.

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