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Systemic Liberalism: The Root of All Evils, From Gas Prices to That Weird Smell in the Fridge

America’s conservatives have finally cracked the code. For decades, the media has pretended to blame things like racism, sexism, or even climate change for society’s problems. But the truth has now been revealed: it was never any of those things. The culprit, hiding in plain sight, is systemic liberalism.


Yes, systemic liberalism—the all-purpose boogeyman. It’s why gas prices are high, why the Wi-Fi goes out during football games, and why Starbucks insists on writing “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”


“It’s in the water, the schools, the grocery store checkout lines,” said Congressman Buckley R. Freedom (R-RedState). “Why waste time fighting racism when we know that’s just a liberal myth cooked up by CNN? We need to fight the real root cause: liberals.”


According to conservative scholars, systemic liberalism has fully corrupted mainstream media. It controls not just what stories are told, but how they’re told. Wildfires are no longer “acts of God” but “climate change.” Economic inequality is no longer “personal failure” but “structural barriers.” Even UFO sightings are reported with a liberal bias (“Unidentified Flying Object spotted” instead of “Democrat hoax balloon”).


Thanks to this corruption, conservatives don’t need to deal with messy complexities like history or social science. Instead, every issue has a neat answer: blame systemic liberalism.


• Police brutality? Not real—just systemic liberalism.

• Income inequality? Not real—just systemic liberalism.

• Why your teenage son listens to Billie Eilish instead of Toby Keith? You guessed it: systemic liberalism.


“It’s a relief, honestly,” said pundit Faith Patriot on Fox News. “For years, I had to argue with people about facts, statistics, and evidence. Now, I just say ‘systemic liberalism’ and drop the mic. Debate over.”


Critics argue this worldview oversimplifies reality, but conservatives insist it’s actually efficient. “Why solve problems one by one when you can point at liberals and say, ‘They did it’?” asked Senator John Q. Values. “It’s like duct tape—it fixes everything.”


So the next time you stub your toe, can’t find parking, or wonder why your dog looks disappointed in you, remember: don’t blame yourself, don’t blame society, don’t blame racism. Blame systemic liberalism.


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