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The Department of Just-Us: Republicans Discover That Weaponized Justice Is Only Bad When It’s Pointed at Them

Washington, D.C. — For years, Republicans have thundered that Joe Biden committed the ultimate sin of American governance: unleashing the terrifying machinery of the Department of Justice against innocent conservatives who were merely engaging in “tourism” at the Capitol or setting classified documents free into the wild.

But now? With Donald Trump back in the driver’s seat of the DOJ bulldozer, they’re suddenly shouting “rev that engine!”

Apparently, the problem wasn’t that the Justice Department was “politicized” — it’s that it wasn’t politicized enough in their favor.

“Biden was a tyrant,” said Congressman Buck T. Patriot (R-Somewhere in MAGAland). “Weaponizing the DOJ against Republicans was fascism. Trump using the DOJ against Democrats? That’s justice, baby. Totally different thing. Like comparing communism to freedom, or Bud Light to an actual beer.”

The new Trump-endorsed DOJ strategy is simple: investigate anyone who’s ever voted for, liked a tweet about, or thought vaguely positive thoughts toward Democrats. Former staffers for Biden have already been subpoenaed for crimes ranging from “having pronouns” to “owning a Subaru.”

When asked about the glaring hypocrisy, one GOP strategist explained:

“It’s not hypocrisy. It’s physics. When the DOJ comes after Republicans, that’s called persecution. When it comes after Democrats, that’s called patriotism. The same force can be evil or noble depending on who’s holding the megaphone. That’s literally in the Constitution — probably in the part nobody reads.”

Meanwhile, Democrats are scratching their heads, wondering how their opponents can scream “banana republic!” one week and then gleefully peel the banana the next.

But Republicans insist there’s no contradiction at all. “We’re not against weaponizing the DOJ,” said Senator Liberty Guns Jesus. “We’re against losing control of the weapon. It’s like criticizing a gun because someone else is holding it. Give it back to us, and suddenly it’s the Second Amendment in action.”

So, the mystery is solved: the DOJ is only a threat to democracy when Democrats use it. When Republicans use it, it’s basically the Avengers.

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