Skip to main content

The Gospel According to X (Formerly Twitter)

Conservative Twitter — sorry, X — has once again sprung into action to defend their golden calf, Donald J. Trump, from the latest round of rumors. The logic is ironclad, the reasoning bulletproof, and the mental gymnastics worthy of Olympic gold.

Step one: If Trump’s name were ever on the Epstein list, we’d already know about it. Because, you see, Joe Biden — who can barely remember which state he’s in — is secretly masterminding a shadow government powerful enough to cover up every crime except the ones conservatives imagine he committed. Clearly, Biden would have released Trump’s name just to own the MAGA crowd, but since he hasn’t, case closed.

Step two: If a survivor of Epstein were to say the word “Trump,” then obviously she’s cashing a check. Probably Soros-backed, maybe Pfizer-sponsored, definitely woke-funded. Everyone knows the only way anyone could accuse Trump of wrongdoing is if they were bribed. After all, women have a long history of making things up about him, like… 28 times, give or take.

Step three: Reinforce the brand. Because while conservatives insist you can’t trust the government, the media, academia, Hollywood, the FBI, or democracy itself, you can trust whatever Trump says at 3 a.m. on Truth Social.

And so, in the world of conservative X, the defense is simple:

  • Trump’s not on the list (and if he is, it’s fake).

  • If he’s named, it’s paid-for lies.

  • If it looks bad, it’s a deep state plot.

Case dismissed, patriot. Now, let’s get back to the important issues: Hunter Biden’s laptop, gas stoves, and the war on lightbulbs.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump Unveils Bold New Healthcare Vision: Trumpcare, Which Is Totally Different From Obamacare Except for the Parts That Are the Same

In a dazzling Rose Garden announcement complete with golden bunting, a fog machine, and a choir humming “Hail to the Chief” in a minor key, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he called “the most spectacular, most terrific, most everybody-is-saying-so healthcare plan in American history.” He dubbed it Trumpcare™ —a revolutionary system in which the federal government will give money directly to people so that they can better afford their own healthcare. “Folks, it’s simple,” Trump proclaimed, flanked by several cardboard cutouts of himself in a lab coat. “Under Trumpcare, instead of the government being involved—terrible idea, horrible—we’re going to give people money so they can pay for their healthcare. Total freedom. The best freedom.” The audience applauded, though several appeared to be staffers who had been instructed to clap every time Trump paused to breathe. A Reporter Dares to Ask During the Q&A portion—limited to 30 seconds and only reporters who had pre-approved ...
Post a Comment
Read more