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The Gospel According to X (Formerly Twitter)

Conservative Twitter — sorry, X — has once again sprung into action to defend their golden calf, Donald J. Trump, from the latest round of rumors. The logic is ironclad, the reasoning bulletproof, and the mental gymnastics worthy of Olympic gold.

Step one: If Trump’s name were ever on the Epstein list, we’d already know about it. Because, you see, Joe Biden — who can barely remember which state he’s in — is secretly masterminding a shadow government powerful enough to cover up every crime except the ones conservatives imagine he committed. Clearly, Biden would have released Trump’s name just to own the MAGA crowd, but since he hasn’t, case closed.

Step two: If a survivor of Epstein were to say the word “Trump,” then obviously she’s cashing a check. Probably Soros-backed, maybe Pfizer-sponsored, definitely woke-funded. Everyone knows the only way anyone could accuse Trump of wrongdoing is if they were bribed. After all, women have a long history of making things up about him, like… 28 times, give or take.

Step three: Reinforce the brand. Because while conservatives insist you can’t trust the government, the media, academia, Hollywood, the FBI, or democracy itself, you can trust whatever Trump says at 3 a.m. on Truth Social.

And so, in the world of conservative X, the defense is simple:

  • Trump’s not on the list (and if he is, it’s fake).

  • If he’s named, it’s paid-for lies.

  • If it looks bad, it’s a deep state plot.

Case dismissed, patriot. Now, let’s get back to the important issues: Hunter Biden’s laptop, gas stoves, and the war on lightbulbs.

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