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Trump Declares Himself Patron Saint of Labor Day, Working Class Politely Checks Wallets

Standing in front of a backdrop of factory workers who were definitely bused in from three states over, Donald Trump announced on Labor Day that no one had done more for the working class than him. “I gave you the biggest, most beautiful tax cuts,” Trump boasted, pausing for applause. “The billionaires got yachts, the millionaires got vacation homes, and you got—well—you got enough for maybe two extra Happy Meals. Tremendous.”

Economists have noted that Trump’s “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” provided a sliver of relief to ordinary workers while shoveling wheelbarrows of cash to billionaires. Trump, however, insisted workers should be grateful. “Look, it’s a lot more than Biden gave you,” he said, grinning. “Under Biden you get… what? Student loan forgiveness? Lower drug prices? Please. Do you know how many yachts Bezos bought because of me? Jobs, folks. Jobs!”

Conservative media immediately declared Trump “the blue-collar billionaire,” a phrase that makes as much sense as “the vegan butcher.” On Fox News, commentators praised his ability to “speak the language of the common man,” which apparently involves calling everyone “losers” and bragging about gold toilets.

Meanwhile, actual workers celebrated Labor Day the traditional way: by barbecuing, enjoying a day off, and quietly wondering why their wages haven’t kept up with the cost of living. “I guess my $20 tax cut means I should thank Trump,” one worker said, flipping a burger. “But I think Bezos just flew past in a rocket ship again, so forgive me if I don’t stand up and salute.”

In closing his speech, Trump promised that in his next term he would deliver even bigger tax cuts for billionaires, with the trickle-down savings “finally reaching the working man’s cupholder.”

“Labor loves me,” he concluded. “No one has done more for labor—except maybe the billionaires. But remember, without billionaires, there’d be no jobs! Or yachts! Or golden golf carts! Very important.”

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