Skip to main content

Trump Finally Trusts the Deep State—When It’s Blowing Up Stuff in Venezuela

After years of dismissing America’s intelligence agencies as “the deep state,” “liars,” and “worse than Democrats,” President Trump has finally found a use for them: blowing up Venezuelan narco-terrorists.

“This time the CIA got it right,” Trump announced from his golf cart. “They said there were bad hombres in Venezuela, and we took them out. Big win. The best win. Everyone’s talking about it.”

From “Hoax” to “Hellfire Missile”

It’s a remarkable turnaround. Not long ago, Trump claimed that U.S. intelligence reports about Russian election interference were a “witch hunt” and intelligence briefings were “a waste of my very, very valuable time.”

Now? Those same agencies are suddenly “the best in the world, maybe ever,” when they’re handing him targets he can strike with drones. Apparently, nothing restores faith in intelligence like the satisfying sound of a Hellfire missile.

Intelligence With a Side of Contradiction

Critics point out the hypocrisy: “So, the CIA lies about Russia but tells the truth about Venezuelan fentanyl kingpins?” asked one analyst. “That’s like saying your mechanic always rips you off—except when he fixes your brakes by accident.”

But Trump was unfazed. “The intelligence community doesn’t always lie,” he clarified. “They just lie about me. When they talk about other people, sometimes they tell the truth. Especially when I can blow them up. Very fair people when you think about it.”

The New Trump Doctrine

The episode has inspired what aides are calling the Trump Doctrine of Selective Trust:

  • If intel makes Trump look bad → Fake news.

  • If intel provides targets Trump can bomb → Best intel ever, folks.

The Pentagon is reportedly preparing to test the doctrine in other areas, such as whether Trump believes North Korea’s missile program is real this week, or a “hoax” until he needs an excuse to drop something.

Closing Line

In the meantime, America’s intelligence agencies have learned a valuable lesson: if you want the President to believe you, just add explosives. As one CIA officer put it, “We stopped trying to change his mind with facts. Turns out Tomahawk missiles are a much better PowerPoint.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump Unveils Bold New Healthcare Vision: Trumpcare, Which Is Totally Different From Obamacare Except for the Parts That Are the Same

In a dazzling Rose Garden announcement complete with golden bunting, a fog machine, and a choir humming “Hail to the Chief” in a minor key, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he called “the most spectacular, most terrific, most everybody-is-saying-so healthcare plan in American history.” He dubbed it Trumpcare™ —a revolutionary system in which the federal government will give money directly to people so that they can better afford their own healthcare. “Folks, it’s simple,” Trump proclaimed, flanked by several cardboard cutouts of himself in a lab coat. “Under Trumpcare, instead of the government being involved—terrible idea, horrible—we’re going to give people money so they can pay for their healthcare. Total freedom. The best freedom.” The audience applauded, though several appeared to be staffers who had been instructed to clap every time Trump paused to breathe. A Reporter Dares to Ask During the Q&A portion—limited to 30 seconds and only reporters who had pre-approved ...
Post a Comment
Read more