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Breaking News: Conservatives Discover New National Crisis—A Handful of Trans People Existing

According to leading conservative media outlets, America’s greatest threat is not poverty, climate change, gun violence, or the fact that healthcare costs more than a used Honda Civic—it’s the terrifying reality that roughly 0.6% of the U.S. population identifies as transgender. Yes, you read that right: less than 1%, a group smaller than the population of Wyoming, has somehow captured the full attention of Fox News, state legislatures, and the guy yelling about bathrooms at your local school board meeting.

Republican lawmakers, clearly undaunted by pesky things like infrastructure or inflation, are drafting legislation at record speed to address the pressing issue of what gender your neighbor’s kid writes on a piece of paper. “This is the hill we’re dying on,” one senator reportedly said, while completely ignoring the crumbling literal hillsides sliding into rivers after record floods.

The obsession has gotten so intense that GOP think tanks have begun rebranding themselves as “Transgender Awareness Foundations,” though not in the supportive way. Their research primarily consists of endlessly replaying TikToks of nonbinary teenagers and demanding congressional hearings about eyeliner.

Critics point out that statistically, you are more likely to be struck by lightning twice in one day than to be personally affected by someone else being transgender. “But what if one of them wants to… uh… play sports?” conservatives stammer, clutching their pearls as if LeBron James is secretly planning to dominate the WNBA under the name “LeBronica.”

Meanwhile, everyday Americans are left bewildered. “I just wanted lower gas prices,” says a confused voter, “but apparently my senator thinks the real issue is drag queens reading Green Eggs and Ham at the library.”

In conclusion, while 0.6% of the population quietly goes about its life—paying taxes, working jobs, and existing—the other 99.4% of us are forced to watch lawmakers pretend they’re bravely protecting civilization from the sheer menace of… pronouns.

Truly, the fall of Rome had nothing on this.

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