After two millennia of miracles, the Almighty has finally outdone Himself. Forget parting the Red Sea or raising Lazarus — this time, God reportedly decided to rehabilitate a Manhattan real-estate mogul with the libido of a raccoon in mating season and turn him into the savior of Western civilization.
According to recently leaked prayer memos, Heaven’s HR department had resisted the idea. “We’ve handled sinners before,” said one angel, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we usually prefer a tax collector or two — not the guy who was the tax loophole.”
Yet God, in His infinite wisdom and sometimes questionable taste, looked upon the chaos of 21st-century America and said: ‘Behold, my chosen one — the man with three wives and zero self-awareness.’
The Conversion of Saint Donald
It all began, as so many divine callings do, on cable news. After years of making cameos in tabloids and divorce courts, Trump’s transformation reportedly began the moment he realized he could draw larger crowds than Jesus and better ratings than The Apprentice.
Evangelical leaders immediately recognized a kindred spirit — not in holiness, but in brand strategy. “Sure, he’s a chronic philanderer,” one pastor said, “but King David had his Bathsheba, and Trump has his… entire contact list.”
Soon, Trump began speaking of his presidency as a divine mission. “God chose me,” he told supporters, modestly. “Frankly, a lot of people say I’m His favorite creation — some even say better than the original Adam, who, by the way, made some very bad decisions with apples.”
The Gospel According to Mar-a-Lago
Insiders say Trump’s Bible study sessions have been groundbreaking. He’s rewritten key passages for modern audiences — for example:
-
“Blessed are the dealmakers, for they shall inherit the tax breaks.”
-
“Render unto Trump what is Trump’s — which, ideally, is everything.”
-
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, unless she’s a 10.”
His followers, meanwhile, insist this spiritual awakening is proof that God works in mysterious — and often morally flexible — ways. “He’s imperfect,” one supporter said, “but that just shows the Lord can use anyone. Even someone who confuses Corinthians with a hotel chain.”
The World, Saved One Rally at a Time
Now fully rehabilitated, Trump has taken it upon himself to save America — and, according to recent speeches, the entire world. He often reminds audiences of his holy mission: to banish sin, restore freedom, and make humility great again.
Foreign leaders remain skeptical. “Every time he says ‘I’ve been chosen by God,’” said one European diplomat, “I just hope he doesn’t mean for the apocalypse.”
Still, his supporters see divine fingerprints everywhere — from his golf scores (“miraculous, honestly”) to the way hurricanes seem to pause whenever he’s near a camera.
Heaven’s Postscript
Sources close to the Almighty confirm that God has considered sending an update to clarify His role in all this. “We were thinking of another burning bush,” said one archangel, “but given the state of Florida’s fire risk, maybe just a well-worded tweet.”
Until then, believers continue to gather, singing the new hymn of the redeemed:
“Amazing Don, how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like… himself.”
Comments
Post a Comment